


Picking Up The Pieces

by Anxiouslykitty



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Angst, Cemetery, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Mothering, Multi, Panic Attacks, Sex, Therapy, Weddings, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:08:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29620386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxiouslykitty/pseuds/Anxiouslykitty
Summary: How do Nadine and Henry pick up the pieces when Elizabeth dies.
Relationships: Elizabeth McCord/Henry McCord/Nadine Tolliver, Henry McCord/Nadine Tolliver
Comments: 44
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

It felt like a countdown. It felt like everything was a matter of numbers. Nothing made sense except the numbers. 

Ten years together. Ten years of the three of them; her, Elizabeth, and Henry. Ten years of love and caring and companionship. Ten years of everything she had ever wanted. 

Eight months from the end. Eight months away from freedom. Eight months from Elizabeth being free of The White House and them getting to live their lives as open as they wanted. 

Six minutes of complete chaos. Six minutes of loud noises and pain and dust. Six minutes of not knowing what was going on. 

Four months of hospitals. Four months of praying and hoping and begging. Four months of sitting by bed sides. 

Two weeks since Stevie and Blake came home. Two weeks of adjusting. Two weeks of trying to remember what normal was. 

One second of pain. One last breath. One coffin in the ground. 

It all came down to the numbers. That's what she had focused on. But now the numbers were fading and only one blared in her mind. One hundred and thirty nine days since Elizabeth took her last breath and left Nadine and Henry on their own.


	2. Chapter 2

The state funeral was held only a week after Elizabeth died and it had been painful. To all the world Nadine was only a close friend. She had been living with them in The White House since Elizabeth was elected, but publicly only as a friend. The public and even those close to them didn’t question it. The funeral was just another reminder that only a few knew what Elizabeth really was to her.

Stevie and Blake were still in the hospital when they had the funeral. They were both in critical condition so the option of coming to the funeral wasn’t even presented. So it was just Henry, Jason, Ali, and herself who sat in the front of the church. There were others there, but she couldn’t remember them all. 

Nadine had been so distraught in the days leading up to the funeral that they were all concerned she wouldn’t be able to stay put together for the funeral. She couldn’t show any of the emotions she was feeling without risking calling attention to her relationship with Elizabeth and Henry. Henry had an old army buddy who was a doctor who he got to write a script for a pretty strong tranquilizer. She was able to function relatively normally, however everything felt muted and dull. She could feel the pain, but it was buried so deep that none of it could get to the surface.

They had sat Henry then Jason and Ali then Nadine. Ali clung to Nadine through the ceremony and the speeches and tried to hold herself together. Ali had held her like Nadine was the only thing keeping her alive. It had been painful to watch people come up and give their condolences to Henry and the kids and walk past her. Even people who had known her for years did not know of her true pain. They told her how kind it was for her to still support the kids and Henry even with Elizabeth gone, that she was a good friend. Nobody realized that she was so much more than a friend and that inside she was dying. 

They had requested the burial be private. Henry wanted to give Nadine a chance to grieve with the family freely. So the day after the state funeral a small group attended the burial. A large tent had been put up around where Elizabeth would be buried so that even the most curious onlooker could not see what was happening. Only those who knew about Nadine, Elizabeth and Henry’s relationship were there. The family from the seventh floor who had followed Elizabeth to work at The White House, Elizabeth’s brother and his family, diplomatic security members and secret service members they had been close to, and Dalton and his wife.

The ceremony felt like a blur in Nadine’s memory now. Her grief had been so loud and so painful that it had clouded most of what was said. They were all standing when they began to lower Elizabeth’s body into the ground. Nadine could remember the moment she lost complete control and her knees buckled. She remembered falling to the ground and immediately feeling Henry wrap his body around her. She felt Ali press into her free side and Jason grabbed one of her hands. The four of them knelt together as Elizabeth was lowered into the ground and disappeared from their view. 

She couldn’t remember what happened after that. She only remembered waking up in their bed in the residence and being told it had been two days. It turned out that she had gotten so emotional that she had made herself sick. When she had to be escorted from the tent to the car and held upright on the ride back to The White House the decision was made to call a doctor. With Henry’s consent she was given a heavy sedative that had helped her sleep. She’s not sure the intention was to knock her out for two days, but they reasoned it was what her body needed.

There wasn’t a lot of time to grieve after the burial. After she woke up from her medicated sleep she had gone back to mothering. She split her time between Stevie and Blake’s hospital rooms until they were placed in the same room together. Then she would rarely leave the hospital unless Henry forced her. She slept on a couch in the corner of their room for two weeks until they were well enough that they didn’t have to worry about complications. She kept herself busy with her mothering. Making time when she wasn’t with Stevie and Blake to take care of Ali and Jason. 

Now that Stevie and Blake were home Nadine was losing her grip on the last thing that kept her grief at bay. They had rented a house for the time that daily hospital trips were needed. They had only been able to stay in the residence for a few days after the burial and had needed somewhere to go. When Stevie and Blake were released from the hospital though they all returned to the farm. Stevie and Blake had taken the office on the ground floor and made it their bedroom. Stevie was still in a leg brace and couldn’t make it up the stairs. The other kids were in their own rooms and Henry and Nadine shared the room they always had shared with Elizabeth. It was difficult to be in that room without Elizabeth and cuddling with Henry sometimes made it better and sometimes only reminded her more that something was missing. Ali had been sneaking into bed with Nadine and Henry since before they came home to the farm and it hadn’t changed since they had gotten home. Every other night or so Nadine would wake to Ali pulling back the covers and curling herself in next to Nadine. It helped Nadine feel needed even more now that they were back in what would always be Elizabeth’s world.


	3. Chapter 3

They all had their good days and their bad days. All six of them were in therapy and for the most part it was helping each of them process what had happened. Ali and Jason hadn’t been on the trip with them. It had been Elizabeth, Henry, Nadine, Blake, and Stevie on the trip to the Middle East. They had been touring different cities and going to event after event for days with no problems. So when a man slipped past security and made a run for Elizabeth it had shocked them all. However there hadn’t been long to be shocked before the bomb exploded. 

Jason and Ali were handling Elizabeth’s death as well as could be expected. Jason had bouts of anger and sometimes he would cry in Henry’s arms, but for the most part he was learning to live without Elizabeth. He had plans to move back to his apartment in the next week. Ali still couldn’t sleep if Nadine or Henry wasn’t nearby. Sometimes she would wake up screaming because she would dream that all of her parents had died, not just Elizabeth. She worked on her projects from the farm and only made brief trips into DC when she needed supplies. She had yet to go anywhere without Henry or Nadine by her side. Nadine worried that Ali, who was sensitive to begin with, might not be able to break away on her own again with Elizabeth gone. She would happily hold onto Ali forever, but she wanted her to have her own life.

Blake and Stevie had both been diagnosed with PTSD, as had Nadine though she’d not told anyone. It wasn’t surprising and Henry and Nadine had seen the signs before there was any talk about getting them diagnosed. They had decided to let go of their apartment and put their things in storage in order to stay at the farm. Neither of them would be able to work fully for several more months and Stevie wasn’t sure she wanted to go back to work. Before the attack they had been talking about starting a family but now neither of them was sure what the future would bring.

Henry and Nadine were both suffering in their own way. They hadn’t been standing with Elizabeth when the bomb went off, they had been off to the side with the other spouses. They both walked away with cuts and bruises and nothing else. For Henry it felt like he didn’t do enough to protect Elizabeth. He went through bouts of doubt over whether he was worthy of living when Elizabeth did not and frustration over his not having been able to save her. Through it all he tried to be the old Henry. He tried to help support the kids in what they needed and help Nadine. For Nadine it was different. She felt her grief like a giant pit in her stomach. She could feel it crawling up her throat sometimes and it made her fiscally ill. She tried to focus on the kids, but it was difficult to support them when she felt so lost herself. In reality she was drowning in her missing of Elizabeth. Elizabeth had always made her feel safe and loved and confident. Without her Nadine didn’t know who she was anymore. She tried to lean on Henry, but she feared that she wasn’t enough for him without Elizabeth.


	4. Chapter 4

Nadine woke slowly taking in the feeling of warmth surrounding her. The first clear thought was that it was day one hundred and thirty-nine without Elizabeth. She took a deep breath and pushed her grief into a small corner of her mind. She focused her mind on the source of the warmth she was experiencing. Henry was tucked closely behind her wrapped around her body. His arm was draped over her side, but it wasn’t tucked down across her stomach like she expected. She realized then that Ali was curled into her front almost completely under the covers. Henry’s hand was resting on Ali holding her close to Nadine. Nadine freed one of her hands and slowly pulled the comforter away from Ali’s face so she could see her. She had definitely been crying and Nadine felt bad she hadn’t woken up when Ali got into bed. It was obvious though that Ali had made use of Nadine’s body for comfort because she was tucked as close into her as possible.

Henry moved behind her and she froze waiting to see if she had woken him. His hand slipped from Ali and came up to brush Ali’s hair away from her face. Nadine turned her head towards Henry as much as she could without jostling Ali. He was looking down at her with tears in his eyes as he did most mornings. Mornings were the one time where Henry’s grief slipped through his guards and showed itself. It was the only time when he and Nadine had time where all of the kids were either asleep or somewhere else. By the time he fully woke up for the day he would have his grief and pain tucked away for no one to see. Nadine wanted to be able to take away his pain, but more so she wanted him to be able to feel it freely without feeling he needed to hide. He leaned towards her and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

“You’re an amazing mom” Henry whispered.

“I’m worried about her,” Nadine whispered.

Nadine tuned her head back to look at Ali. She looked peaceful, but Nadine knew there was pain behind the peace. It was not uncommon for Ali to have panic attacks throughout the day. She would be working on one of her projects and then she would look up for Nadine or Henry and they wouldn’t be where she thought they would be and her panic would take over. Too many times Nadine would hear the sound of Ali crying and gasping for breath and go running to find her. It had gotten to the point where either Nadine or Henry stayed in the room with Ali at all times to try and help her.

“I’m worried she’s getting worse,” Nadine added.

“She’s strong,” Henry replied. “We’ll get her through this.”

“What if there is no through” Nadine asked. “What if this is just what we’re going to feel like forever?”

Henry placed his hand on Nadine’s cheek and turned her face to look at him. He looked deep into her eyes and then pressed his forehead against hers. His breath brushed against her lips and she closed her eyes to enjoy his closeness. She felt her lip quiver and she took a deep breath. 

“It won’t always be like this,” Henry explained. “We’ll get through this. All of us will.”

Henry placed another gentle kiss on her lips and pulled away to look at her. She tried to control the tears that were building up, but they slipped out and slid down her cheeks. She took a stuttering breath trying to keep from waking Ali.

“I miss her” Nadine whimpered.

Henry wrapped his arm around her and rolled her completely over. She knew she had bumped Ali when he flipped her, but she couldn’t do anything about it. Henry pulled her into his body and she clung to his shirt. She let the tears fall and a sob escaped her. She tucked her face into Henry’s neck and she could feel his tears slipping down his cheeks onto her. They held each other and cried. 

“Ima” Ali’s whispered.

“It’s okay, Noodle” Henry replied.

“Ima” Ali said again as she placed a hand gently on Nadine’s back.

Nadine took a deep breath and pulled away from Henry just enough to wipe her face. She then turned over and gave Ali a small smile before wrapping her in a hug.

“It’s okay sweetheart” Nadine said. 

“Are you okay” Ali asked.

“I’m fine,” Nadine replied, kissing Ali on top of the head. “Don’t you worry about me.”

“Nay” Henry whispered, placing his hand on her back.

Nadine arched away from his hand and he pulled back. Nadine had made it clear to Henry that she didn’t want anyone to see her upset. As much as she wanted Henry to feel comfortable expressing his grief she didn’t feel the same way about herself. She wanted the kids and everyone else to think that she had everything under control. She rarely let herself cry and if she did it was almost always when she was alone. On rare occasions she would cry in front of Henry, but never in front of the kids. Henry slipped out of the bed and Nadine let Ali go. 

“What do you want for breakfast” Nadine asked, rolling out of bed and grabbing her robe.

She put on her mom face as she tied the robe and smiled at Ali on the bed. She wouldn’t let the kids see how broken she was. She wouldn’t fail Elizabeth. Elizabeth’s kids were her whole world and Nadine was going to do everything she could to make sure they were all taken care of no matter what.


	5. Chapter 5

One hundred and forty-three days. 

Jason had left yesterday to move back to DC. He was returning to his apartment and had gotten his job back. Surprisingly his employer had been very understanding. It probably didn’t hurt to be the son of the President when you needed to take months off from work. 

Ever since Jason had left Nadine had felt an uncomfortable clenching in her chest. She just couldn’t keep herself from worrying about him. He felt too far away. She worried that something would happen to him now that she wasn’t close enough to protect him. She had tried to hide it from Henry, but she had seen him watching her and she was sure he knew she was struggling.

She had slipped out of the bed at three thirty when she couldn’t fall back to sleep. She had left Henry and Ali and gone down to take a coffee out on the porch. Fall was already cooling the nights and she needed to turn on the porch heater and bring a quilt out with her. She watched the sun rise and the world wake up. When she heard the first rustlings of Blake moving around the kitchen she made herself small so that he might not see her from inside. Usually he made coffee for himself and Stevie and took it back into their room. When she heard the bedroom door close again she sat back up again. 

Pulling out her phone she called Jason. It was only six thirty and she knew that he would probably not be up yet, but she needed to hear his voice.

“Ima” Jason’s voice came through the phone. “Is everything okay?”

She hadn’t thought about the fact that her calling this early in the morning would cause him to worry. She hadn’t meant to scare him, she was just trying to alleviate some of her anxiety.

“Oh honey” Nadine cooed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Everything’s okay” Jason questioned.

“I just wanted to hear your voice,” Nadine said.

“Ima” Jason scoffed. “I just left yesterday.”

Nadine could tell he was rolling his eyes and it made her smile.

“I’m a mom Jason” Nadine laughed. “I’m allowed to check in even when you’ve only been gone for a day.”

Jason was quiet on the other end of the phone and then when he spoke again his voice was more serious.

“I promise I’m okay,” Jason said. “Would it help you if I called you every morning?”

Nadine couldn’t help but smile at how kind a person Jason had become. He still had his moments where the headstrong teen returned, but for the most part he had become a good man. He wasn’t as calm or logical as Henry, but he had picked up Henry’s ability to take care of his family.

“You don’t have to do that,” Nadine replied. “A text would be nice though.”

Nadine heard a noise in the background on Jason’s end of the phone.

“Did I interrupt something” Nadine asked.

“No” Jason laughed. “It’s just Becca getting up to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh Jason I’m sorry” Nadine exclaimed. “Did I wake her up too?”

“No, we were both up” Jason explained. “She has to be awake for work.”

“Did she stay over at your place last night” Nadine asked.

“Actually, I’ve asked her to move in with me,” Jason explained. “After she stuck with me through everything that’s happened the last few months I thought it was time we took the next step.”

“I’m really proud of you,” Nadine replied. “I’m happy for both of you.”

“Thanks” Jason replied.

“Will you bring her home to visit again soon” Nadine asked. “I’d like to get to know her better.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Jason said. “Maybe next weekend we’ll come over for lunch.”

“I’d really love that honey,” Nadine replied.

There was more noise on the other end of the phone and Nadine realized Becca must have come back in the room.

“Alright I have to go” Jason said.

“Okay honey” Nadine replied. “I love you.”

“I love you too Ima” Jason replied and hung up.

Nadine put her phone down on the table next to her and pulled the quilt up around herself more. She curled into the back of the wicker couch and pulled herself more into a ball. She really did miss Jason already. She had never thought she could miss having one of the kids around. Before she met Elizabeth and Henry she hadn’t talked to her own son in years and even now Roman only called every once in a while. So the love she had for the McCord kids had caught her off guard. She loved them so intensely that her fear for their well being overwhelmed her at times. 

When she had first begun to realize that she loved Elizabeth and Henry’s children she had gotten embarrassed. She wasn’t their mother and she had no right to be. She felt guilty for feeling closer to them than she did to her own son. It had been Elizabeth who had sat her down and made her talk about it. She had explained that she didn’t want to step on their toes and she knew they weren’t her kids. Elizabeth had stopped her immediately. She had explained that they were entirely her children. It wasn’t long after that that Ali started calling Nadine Ima. At first it made Nadine feel overwhelmed to know she was moving into that place in their lives, but then when Stevie and Jason were quick to follow Ali’s lead she embraced it.

She heard the porch door open and close, but she didn’t look up. Henry came over to the couch and sat down in the space that had been freed by Nadine’s recently tucked legs. Henry lifted the quilt and placed it over his legs. He grabbed her legs and pulled them over his legs while he scooted closer. She watched him quietly and waited to see whether he would say anything. 

“You were up early,” Henry said, breaking the silence.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Nadine replied. “You didn’t leave Ali in bed by herself did you?”

Henry smirked at her and Nadine understood. She knew he wouldn’t have left Ali to wake up alone in the bed, but some part of her needed to hear the answer.

“She’s awake,” Henry replied. “You couldn’t sleep?”

“I was worrying about Jason,” Nadine replied honestly.

“He’s only been gone a day” Henry replied, squeezing one of her legs. “I’m sure he’s fine.”

“He is,” Nadine replied, smiling at him.

“You called him didn't you” Henry laughed.

“He asked Becca to move in with him,” Nadine replied. “They might come over next weekend.”

“I love you” Henry said leaning over and placing a soft kiss on her lips.

“I love you” Nadine replied smiling in his kiss.


	6. Chapter 6

One Hundred and Seventy-One Days

Today was their eleventh anniversary. When the three of them had started their relationship none of them had any experience with multiple partner relationships. Elizabeth and Henry were already married and Nadine wasn’t allowed to publicly acknowledge her relationship with them. So the terminology one would use to describe their relationship wasn’t used. So when one day Elizabeth had declared that they needed an anniversary it had caught Henry and Nadine off guard. Nadine had been living with them for six months and things were going well. They were happy and the kids were adjusting well. Elizabeth's declaration had come from out of the blue. 

They had gone back and forth on what they would celebrate as their anniversary. They had a few options. The first time Nadine and Elizabeth had kissed, the first time the three of them were intimate, when Nadine had moved in. The list was extensive of possible firsts to be their anniversary. The whole thing had felt risky to Nadine. She had still worried that at any moment the rug was going to be pulled out from under her and didn’t want a day dedicated to something she wasn’t convinced she’d get to keep. 

Henry had finally recommended the first time they had all said I love you. It was two days after Halloween and Henry, Elizabeth, and herself were all curled up on the couch eating leftover candy and watching a movie. Somehow Elizabeth and Nadine had managed to sneak out of the office at a decent time and the three of them were enjoying the rare down time before a big trip Elizabeth and Nadine would be taking. Elizabeth and Nadine had reached for the last Hershey bar at the same time and Nadine had gotten it first. Elizabeth had pouted her lip and Nadine had given it to her without question. Elizabeth had without thought said ‘I love you’ and they all froze.

Elizabeth had then grabbed Nadine’s hand and looked her in the eyes and told her she loved her again. Nadine had told her she loved her in return and then they returned to their movie. At the end of the night Nadine was buzzed with adrenaline from Elizabeth and her declaration. When she kissed Henry goodnight she whispered ‘I love you’ against his lips before pulling away. Henry had smiled and held her face in his hands and said ‘I love you too.’ They had all laughed and kissed again. As she was leaving she turned back and saw Elizabeth kiss Henry and tell him she loved him which Henry returned.

Today that memory hurt. Not in the way that the memory had turned bad, but that the absolute love she felt on that day seemed to be gone. She still loved Henry, but it felt like part of their love had been taken away from them. Nadine had wanted to brush by the anniversary, but Henry had insisted on celebrating. They had quietly gone back and forth on what they would do to celebrate and after a small breakdown on Nadine’s part they had decided they couldn’t celebrate without Elizabeth, so they decided they would go to the cemetery to spend time with Elizabeth.

Nadine and Henry had ridden silently in the SUV into DC to the cemetery. It was raining out and Henry had asked if she wanted to try another day, but Nadine wanted to go today. When they got there one of the Secret Service opened Nadine’s door and handed her a large black umbrella. On the other side of the car Henry had gotten out with his own umbrella. They walked as close together as they could without bumping their umbrellas across the cemetery to Elizabeth’s plot. 

Elizabeth’s plot was large like the other former Presidents buried in Arlington. It was tucked back in an area that had a lot of coverage and was not widely viable from the rest of the park. Secret Service had arranged that this part of the cemetery would be off limits to visitors for the time they were there, but they still were hesitant to show too much affection for each other in a public place.

When they got to Elizabeth’s plot Nadine stopped. She looked at the beautiful white marble stone with Elizabeth’s name and her breath caught in her throat. Nadine could feel herself trembling as she tried to blink the tears away that had formed in her eyes. Henry put his umbrella down and stepped under Nadine’s pulling her close to him. She leaned into his body and closed her eyes. She took a few steadying breaths before opening her eyes again. Elizabeth would have loved this spot, but Nadine couldn’t find any peace in that thought.

She took steps towards the headstone and Henry walked with her. He kept his arm around her waist as she made her way to the stone. She reached out to touch the stone and felt her knees go weak. She was falling before she knew it and Henry’s grip tightened, easing her to the ground. The water from the ground seeped into her pants but she didn’t care. She reached her palm out and rubbed it lovingly over Elizabeth’s name. Nadine began to sob and Henry pulled her into his chest. She buried her face in his neck and tried to calm herself down. Her hand on the stone was ice cold, but she couldn’t drop the connection she felt. After a minute or two Nadine had calmed enough that her sobbing had stopped and now her tears fell silently.

“I’m sorry Henry” Nadine breathed.

“What are you sorry about” Henry asked quietly.

“She was your wife for almost forty years and I’m the one who can’t keep it together” Nadine whimpered.

Henry placed a finger under her chin and gently lifted until they were looking eye to eye.

“We both loved her” Henry said. “Just because I had more years with her does not make my love anymore important than your love. We both miss her.”

“I...I feel like…” Nadine stammered.

Henry gently rubbed his thumb against Nadine’s cheek.

“I feel like I took so much of your marriage away from you” Nadine whispered.

“You know that’s not true,” Henry said firmly. “Elizabeth and I both agreed that when we found you our marriage changed. We stopped being just the two of us and became the three of us. You didn’t take our marriage away, you made it something new.”

When they had chosen a date for their anniversary Nadine had been uncertain about what that would mean. She had a few months to figure it out and she was convinced that a lot of things could change in a few months. When Elizabeth and Henry’s wedding anniversary had begun to approach Nadine had gotten uncomfortable. She planned a trip to see her sister for those days and tried not to let Henry and Elizabeth see that she was feeling uncertain.

Henry had been the one to make the connection between Nadine’s trip and Elizabeth and his anniversary. He had obviously talked to Elizabeth privately because one night when they were all laying in bed they had both gotten quiet and shared a few looks. Elizabeth had been the one to bring it up and Nadine had brushed it off. Finally after a lot of denials Elizabeth explained that they had chosen not to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They had decided that from now on they didn’t want to celebrate anything that didn’t include Nadine. To them their old marriage was over and they were now in a new relationship. It made Nadine cry and doubt everything. She still went on her trip and when she returned Elizabeth and Henry had spent months convincing her that what they had said was true. Over the years Nadine had become more comfortable with it and Elizabeth and Henry never regretted not celebrating their wedding anniversary.

“I feel like part of us is missing and I don’t know how to be us without her” Nadine whimpered.

Henry hugged her closer to his body and kissed her on top of the head. She relaxed into his touch as much as she could.

“Part of us is missing, but not all of us is gone” Henry replied.

“What if I don’t know how to do this without her” Nadine asked.

“Do you still love me” Henry asked timidly.

Nadine pulled away from him just enough to look up at him in shock.

“Of course I love you” Nadine stammered. “How could you think that I didn’t?”

“I’m worried you’re pulling away from me,” Henry explained.

“I don’t know what to do without her,” Nadine explained. “Almost everyday for our entire relationship I have been by her side. She has been my guiding light in everything I did. She was so much of my life that now I feel so empty that I don’t know how to fill myself. I love you so much Henry, but I’m worried that I’m too empty for you to fill me up without hurting yourself. You deserve the chance to grieve as much as I do.”

“Oh baby” Henry cooed pulling Nadine even tighter. “I miss her too, but I didn’t depend on her the way you did. She and I relied on each other equally. We spent as much time together as we did a part. I mourn her every minute of every day. But, I love you Nadine. I want to be the one who helps you bring yourself back together. I know that what you and Elizabeth had was different from what you and I have, but it doesn’t mean that you could ever take too much from me. I am willing and able to give you anything you need. I’m yours and I always will be.”

Nadine broke out in a new round of sobs and Henry pulled her completely into his body causing her to drop the umbrella. The rain soaked through their clothes, but it didn’t phase her. She clutched at Henry and sobbed. She knew she was being loud and that the Secret Service could hear her but she didn’t care.

“Henry” Nadine sobbed. “Henry, it hurts so much. Please! Please make it stop!”

Henry rubbed his hand gently along her back and whispered comforting words in her ear. When it became apparent that she wouldn’t be able to get up on her own and they were both soaked through he swept her up in his arms and carried her back to the SUV. When they came out into the open the service rushed around them to form a sort of shield to block them from any possible view. The service members didn’t say anything as Henry placed Nadine in the car and climbed in after her. One leaned into the back and handed Henry several blankets and some sweats that looked to be Secret Service issue. The door was closed and the window between the back and the front was raised. 

Henry was helping her out of her wet clothes as the SUV started to move. They didn’t say anything as they both helped the other one slowly remove layers of soaking wet clothes. Nadine was shaking with the cold and when Henry had gotten her top half completely bare her wrapped a blanket around her to dry her off. Nadine leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips as he held the blanket tight around her. The kiss built in intensity until Henry moaned into her mouth and Nadine pulled away. She could feel heat flash through her body.

They continued removing layers, paying less attention to drying off and more to just being free of the damp clothes. When they were both completely naked their lips met again for a passionate kiss. Hands roamed across cold skin and Henry pulled Nadine onto his lap. Nadine slipped her hand into Henry’s wet hair as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. She could feel his member twitch against her thigh and she moaned.

Since Elizabeth had died they hadn’t been intimate with each other at all. A light kiss here and there and cuddling in bed, but nothing more. For one it was hard to have sex when you had a twenty-nine year old child climbing in your bed every night. Also it was hard for Nadine to imagine having sex without Elizabeth. It wasn’t like she and Henry had never had sex just the two of them. They had actually done it quite frequently if Elizabeth was away on a trip or held up in the office. For some reason though Nadine had been nervous that she wouldn’t feel the same now that Elizabeth was never coming back to their bed.

Henry gripped her waist tightly with both hands bringing her back into the moment. They were going slow enjoying the kiss. He lifted her gently, encouraging her to straddle his legs. The move made her wet and she felt her pussy flutter at the thought of what was coming. Henry slipped a hand down between them and began to gently run his fingers from her opening up to her clit. She moaned at each touch and rocked her hips with the motion. The wetter she got the more she felt him grow under her. 

She was caught by surprise when he slipped two fingers into her opening and she gasped with the pleasure it brought her. He began to move lazily in and out causing her to grind her hips down in search of friction. Even though she was wet she could tell she wasn’t wet enough to accommodate him. She pulled her body away and slid off of Henry’s lap onto the ground. Without question she pulled his member into her mouth and sloppily wet it with her saliva. Henry moaned as she coated every inch of it as thoroughly as she could. When she felt he was wet enough she pulled herself back up on his lap and let him line himself up with her opening.

As Henry slowly slipped into her she sighed at the feeling of her body stretching to accommodate him. It felt like coming home again. As she slowly took him in as far as she could she settled down comfortably with him fully sheathed. They kissed slow and deep and Nadine realized she was crying. She tried to wipe the tears away, but Henry just kissed her cheeks and grabbed her hands pulling them from her face.

“Are you okay” Henry asked quietly.

“Just make love to me” Nadine begged.

Henry put both his hands on Nadine’s waist and she placed her hands on his shoulders. They both began to slowly move in rhythm with each other. Nadine would slowly rise up with Henry’s help and then let herself drop down as Henry surged up. It was slow and deliberate and deep. She felt as the deep tightening in her lower stomach began to build. This had always been her favorite position because Elizabeth would sit behind her and she would be squished between them and she never felt safer or more loved than that. 

The tears came faster the closer she grew to her climax. She could see that Henry was crying now too. They locked eyes with each other as they both edged closer and closer to what they both needed. Neither made any move to speed up; they just continued the slow deliberate movements until Nadine felt herself break apart. She threw her head back as the pleasure ripped through her. Henry continued to pump into her slowly through her orgasm. Just as she was starting to come down he spilled into her and tipped her into a second smaller orgasm. They collapsed together breathing deeply and Henry kissed away Nadine’s tears between breaths. 

For the first time since Elizabeth died Nadine felt safe again. She knew Henry would always be there for her no matter what and it felt like enough again. She knew they would always miss Elizabeth, but now she had hope that they could survive just the two of them. 

Eventually Henry pulled out of her and Nadine whined at the loss of their connection. He helped her into the borrowed sweats and wrapped her in a blanket before pulling on his own pair of borrowed sweats. They curled together under another blanket and Nadine drifted off to sleep in Henry’s arms.


	7. Chapter 7

Two Hundred and Four Days

When Nadine woke up the bed was empty. She felt the bed next to her and was surprised that it was already cold. It was very rare for her to be the last to wake in the morning. Even when Henry woke before her Ali was almost always in the bed with her when she woke up. She got out of bed and pulled on her robe. She had forgotten how cold the farm got during the winter. Making her way quietly towards the stair she could hear noise coming from the kitchen. As she walked down the stairs and stepped on the squeaky step the downstairs went quiet. She was cautious of what was going to greet her, but she continued down the stairs. As she rounded the corner into the kitchen she was met by lots of noise.

“Happy Birthday” they screamed.

Nadine flinched in surprise and clutched her hand to her chest before starting to laugh. They rushed at her in mass fighting to wrap her in hugs. She giggled as they each got in a good hug and then she was in Henry’s arms and he kissed her gently. 

“Happy seventieth baby” he whispered in her ear.

She smiled up at him and leaned into his arms.

“I’m not sure you can call me old and baby in the same sentence” Nadine joked.

“You’re not old,” Henry replied.

Her attention was drawn back to the kids who had returned to serving up the large and extravagant breakfast they had been making. They all sat down and ate together and everyone was in a good mood. It was nice to be able to laugh and joke together like they did before. Nadine found herself just sitting back and watching them all. Henry leaned in close to her.

“You okay” he asked quietly.

“Yeah I am” Nadine replied, looking at him. “I really am.”

He kissed her and she wound her hand up into his hair pulling him closer to her. They kissed until they heard someone clear their throat. They broke apart and smiled at the kids who were all staring at them.

“Not at the breakfast table please” Ali joked.

Nadine defiantly placed another sloppy kiss on Henry’s lips before pulling away again. Henry laughed and the kids all groaned a little.

“Jason and Becca are coming tonight for dinner” Stevie explained. “Matt and Jay are coming too.”

"Oh that's nice" Nadine replied quietly. 

Henry and she had gotten in a fight two weeks ago about her birthday. Before Elizabeth died they had been planning to throw her a big party for her seventieth. They hadn't done much for her sixtieth and Elizabeth felt like Nadine deserved something celebrating her. Henry wanted to go ahead and throw a party like Elizabeth had wanted. Obviously not the scale it would have been, but still a big party and Nadine had been admintatly against it. She didn't even want to celebrate her birthday at all this year. They had ended up screaming at each other and they both said things they didn't mean. They had stormed off from each other. Nadine to the barn and Henry to his office. It had been the first true ugly fight they had had between the two of them. She and Elizabeth used to have spats and Henry and Elizabeth had fought, but never Nadine and Henry. 

When it came time for bed that night they had climbed into bed next to each other without talking. Henry had started to cry and Nadine had been heartbroken. They held each other and cried and talked. They had agreed it would just be family for her birthday, but that they would celebrate. It had been the most she was willing to give. 

Henry had obviously tried to listen to what she wanted for the day. Though this was a tiny stretch further than they had agreed. Though she found she wasn't mad about it. 

"They're family" Henry whispered in her ear. 

Nadine smiled at him to let him know that she wasn’t upset. She really wasn’t upset. She was actually looking forward to spending time with her family. She missed having Matt and Jay around and she was looking forward to seeing them. She decided to focus her mind on making today a good day. 

The day disappeared faster than she expected and before Nadine knew it they were all seated eating dinner. Matt and Jay were doing a good job of keeping things upbeat and happy. She imagined that they had been coached ahead of time to focus entirely on Nadine and leave anything to do with Elizabeth out of the conversation. So far they were doing really well. Nadine didn’t feel the need to point out that she knew what they were doing. They were good boys.

“Are you ready for your presents” Ali announced as dinner had begun to wrap up.

“I get presents” Nadine questioned jokingly.

Jason rushed to be the first to place a small package in front of her on the table. She smiled up at him and slowly unwrapped the paper. 

“Ima you can rip the paper” Jason scoffed.

Nadine held up the unripped paper and ripped it down the middle. Everyone at the table broke out in laughter. Nadine picked up the small box and lifted the lid. Inside was a small gold necklace. She picked it up and shifted the small pendant in her fingers. It was an intricate heart with a flower in the middle. 

“Oh I haven’t got my glasses” Nadine exclaimed, when she noticed there was writing.

“Hold on,” Blake said, running from the room and returning in seconds with her glasses.

“How do you do that” Stevie exclaimed.

“He had many years of practice,” Nadine replied, accepting her glasses and slipping them on. 

The flower had “Ima” engraved on it and as she turned the pendant the intricate bands around the heart had each of her kids' names on it. It even had Roman on it. 

“Oh Jason” Nadine exclaimed.

She reached up for him to come around the table and he obliged. She pulled him into a hug and kissed him on the cheek. 

“I love you” she whispered. “You are an amazing son.”

Jason returned to his seat and the rest took their turns handing her gifts. Stevie and Blake had given her a beautiful scarf and gloves to keep her warm during her first real winter on the farm. Ali had made her a beautiful dress that Nadine knew would fit her perfectly. Jay had given her a collection of teas he had picked up on the trip to China he had taken with Chole over the summer. Matt had given her a copy of his book that was to be published in a month, it was signed ‘to the best work mom ever.’

“Alright we have one more gift” Stevie said glancing at Blake who left the room. “Everyone has to come in the living room.

Nadine looked at Henry who shrugged his shoulders. They all got up and followed Blake into the living room. Stevie gestured for them to sit down and they all found comfortable spots. Nadine sat in the middle of the couch with Henry on one side and Ali on the other. Blake had something pulled up on the TV and Stevie stood in front of them with a smile on her face.

“So we’ve been working on this for a while, with the help of a lot of people,” Stevie explained. “I really hope you like it.” 

Stevie sat on the floor at Nadine’s feet while Blake pressed play. The video that began playing was a video of many people she had known sending her birthday wishes. So many people she had never thought would care enough to take the time were included in the video. One after another a person would come on the screen and share something and then another would come. She laughed at some and cried at others. Someone had slipped her tissues at some point and she was so overwhelmed by it. The kids had each put a video in there also. When Henry’s video popped up she nudged him hard in the ribs for pretending to not know what was going on. Suddenly Elizabeth’s face popped on the screen and Nadine froze. 

“Nay” Elizabeth greeted. “Happy Birthday!”

Nadine couldn’t believe she was hearing Elizabeth’s voice. She was seeing her face and she was moving and talking and alive. She felt like the air was being pulled from her lungs.

“I love you so much and I am so glad to have you…”

Nadine stood up tripping over Stevie. She almost ran from the room in her desire to get away. She couldn’t sit there and listen to Elizabeth talk. That wasn’t Elizabeth, not anymore. Elizabeth was dead. That wasn’t Elizabeth that was just a video from before she died, but it felt so painful. She ran up the stairs to the one place she could close herself off from the world. She slammed the bedroom door behind her and began pacing in front of the window. She was having trouble catching her breath and she could feel her limbs began to tingle.

The pain was indescribable. She tried to swallow the lump that was growing in her throat and found she couldn’t. She couldn’t swallow and she couldn’t breathe. She needed it to stop. She needed everything to stop. She heard the door open, but she couldn’t do anything about it. She felt if she stopped moving she might explode. Her body was humming with anxiety. She could feel the tears running down her face. That wasn’t Elizabeth. Elizabeth is dead.

“Nadine” Henry’s voice came softly. “Nadine.”

She couldn’t stop moving. Her breath was starting to come in spurts now and she could feel her legs growing heavy. Her vision started to darken and spot as she tried to blink it away. Henry’s arms came around her and stilled her movement. She screamed out the best she could through the lack of oxygen coming in. The pain of the stillness made her feel like she was going to be sick. 

“Baby” Henry called. “You need to breathe slower. You need to calm down.”

She wanted to listen to Henry. She wanted to follow his instructions, because she knew that he was right. She felt herself be lowered to the ground as she clawed at the carpet trying to get a sense of what was happening. The image of Elizabeth on the TV screen just kept circling through her brain. She felt Henry leave her, but there was nothing she could do about it. She wanted him to stay and fix it, but still he walked away. It felt like years before he returned to her side. He grabbed her face hard and pushed something into her mouth. She continued to fight the restraint.

“Swallow it baby” Henry instructed. 

He placed a glass of water against her lips which spilled on her as she tried to drink enough to swallow the pill. She didn’t know what he was giving her, but even through her panic she knew she trusted Henry with her life. The water glass was taken away and then she was tightly held in Henry’s arms. After a few minutes she felt her breathing begin to regulate and then a fog came over her. It was like a heavy blanket was being placed over her mind and body. She could feel Henry running his hand through her hair and up and down her arm. 

“Henry” Nadine mumbled.

“I’m here baby” Henry whispered.

“Elizabeth” Nadine whimpered. “I saw Elizabeth. Where’s Elizabeth?”

She was so confused about what was happening. Where was she? Why did she feel so heavy? Her brain was losing focus. She could have sworn she saw Elizabeth. If she saw Elizabeth why wasn’t she here now holding her with Henry?

“It was a video baby” Henry explained. “It was just a video.”

“Elizabeth” Nadine mumbled.

“It was just a video” Henry continued.

It started to make sense to her as her eyes began to flutter closed. She was so tired she couldn’t keep her body awake. She laid limp in Henry’s arms before she fell asleep dreaming of Elizabeth.


	8. Chapter 8

Two Hundred and Twenty-Four Days

Henry had covered for her after her birthday party. He had put her in bed and gone downstairs and told the others that it had just surprised her and that she had chosen to go to bed. He hadn’t told Nadine anything else that had happened even though she asked him to. When she had awoken the next morning at almost noon Ali was sitting on the bed next to her with her sketchpad on her lap. Ali had broken into tears apologizing for upsetting her and it had broken Nadine’s heart all over again. The kids had spent the last three weeks being apologetic and Nadine had spent it trying to make them believe her when she said everything was fine and nothing had been wrong.

She hadn’t talked to Henry about what happened that night since the day after. She had walked away anytime he brought it up and he had been good to not bring it up in front of the kids. Nadine figured that out and stayed in the room with one of the kids as frequently as possible. She was embarrassed about how she reacted on her birthday. The old Nadine would have never allowed herself to get that upset in front of the kids and Jay and Matt. The Nadine before Elizabeth died would never have made her kids feel bad for doing something kind for her. She didn’t like the person she was now. 

Today was Christmas Day. Elizabeth’s favorite holiday. She was all about the lights and the gifts and the decorations. Nadine hadn’t ever been a big Christmas person, but through Elizabeth’s eyes it made her enjoy it. Their first Christmas as a couple Elizabeth had made her stay the night Christmas Eve so that she could wake up with them. Nadine had told Elizabeth and Henry how she didn’t celebrate Christmas growing up and hadn’t begun celebrating until she was an adult. She celebrated it for her son because his father wasn’t Jewish and she wanted her son to have both. Elizabeth was dismayed that she had never gotten to enjoy all of the joys of being a child on Christmas. 

That first Christmas Nadine had been awoken by Elizabeth just as the sun had risen. She made Nadine come downstairs where the rest of the McCords were already waiting. They opened presents and stockings and ate cinnamon rolls and drank hot chocolate. They had hidden one of Nadine’s presents and she had to do a scavenger hunt to find it. It had been an entire day of all of their favorite Christmas traditions to make sure that Nadine had the best first McCord Christmas ever. It was one of her favorite memories of their family. She had spent every Christmas since with the family and this was the first without Elizabeth.

When she woke Ali was still asleep next to her in bed. She brushed the hair from Ali’s face and kissed her forehead. She knew she shouldn’t treat Ali like a small child, but she missed too many years with the kids and now she made up for it anytime she could. She reached back for Henry, but found his side of the bed empty. She didn’t like waking up and not having him in the bed. She tried to tell herself he was just somewhere else, but anytime it happened she had to get up and go find him. She slipped from the bed quietly and went in search of Henry.

Nadine found Henry sitting in the living room on the ground in front of the Christmas tree. It was lit up and fully decorated, courtesy of the kids, and there were presents under it extending out quite a ways. Henry had gone all out getting gifts for everyone. She quietly walked up behind Henry and put her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t startle or look up at her, he just kept staring at the tree.

“Hun” Nadine whispered.

When Henry didn’t look up at her she folded her legs under her and sat next to him. When she got down on the ground and looked at his face she could see he was crying. She reached out and placed a hand on his cheek.

“Oh hun” Nadine cooed. 

Henry finally turned his eyes away from the tree and looked at Nadine. He had such sadness in his look that it made Nadine want to cry. She wiped the tears from his cheeks and placed a kiss gently on each cheek. 

“What is it” Nadine asked quietly.

“I can’t do it without her,” Henry whimpered.

Nadine scooted closer and grabbed his hands in her own.

“What do you mean” Nadine asked. 

“I can’t do Christmas,” Henry choked out. “It was always all her.”

Henry began to sob and Nadine wrapped him in an embrace. He cried into her neck and she rubbed her hand comfortingly on his back and in his hair. She made small cooing sounds and tried to comfort him. When his crying slowed she let him pull away so that she could once again wipe his cheeks of tears.

“Even when she was busy with work, no matter what, she was always there for Christmas,” Henry explained. “I’ve spent every Christmas with her for forty years. Even when we first started dating she insisted I spend Christmas with her.”

“She really did love Christmas” Nadine responded.

Nadine leaned forward into Henry and let him embrace her. She had found that as much as she felt the need to hold Henry when he was upset it actually helped him more to hold her to him. Henry wrapped his arms tight around her and he buried his face back into her neck. She let him hold her and rub his face into her. Any amount of comfort she could give him she would. He had done so much to help her that she wanted to return it anytime she could. Henry took slow steady breaths now and Nadine let herself relax into his embrace.

“Ima” Ali yelled. “Daddy! Ima!”

The sound of Ali’s frantic screams pulled Nadine from Henry’s arms. She tore from Henry and ran as fast as she could up the stairs and back to their bedroom. In her panic to find Henry she hadn’t thought about leaving Ali alone in the bed. She knew better, they both knew better. 

“Ima! Daddy” Ali screamed.

Nadine ran into the room and went straight to Ali who was stumbling around the room. It looked like she had been looking for them in the bathroom and was now hyperventilating. Nadine grabbed Ali hard and turned her so that they were facing each other. Ali’s eyes were wild and they wouldn’t focus on Nadine.

“I’m here Ali” Nadine comforted. “I’m right here.”

Nadine looked around just as Henry came into the room.

“You’re dad is here” Nadine explained. “We’re both here.”

Ali’s eyes finally locked on Nadine’s and focused. Henry wrapped his arms around Nadine to get to Ali and held them both. Nadine freed her hands and reached them up to put on Ali’s cheeks.

“Take deep breaths sweetheart” Nadine instructed.

“You weren’t here,” Ali gasped. “I thought you were gone.”

“No sweetheart” Nadine confirmed. “We are here. We haven’t gone anywhere. We’re not going anywhere.”

“You can’t promise that,” Ali whimpered.

Nadine knew it was true. She couldn’t promise that she and Henry would always be there. Elizabeth’s death had proved that no amount of love for your children could keep you alive. She pushed against Henry’s arms and he released Ali. She pulled Ali down into her body and Ali clung to her tightly. 

“No, I can’t promise that,” Nadine replied. “But I will do everything I can to always be here for you. I love you Ali!”

“Is everything okay” Jason asked from the door.

Nadine felt Henry pull away from them and walk towards the door.

“It’s fine,” Henry replied. “Why don’t you guys head downstairs and we’ll be down in a little bit.”

Nadine moved to release Ali, but Ali wouldn’t let her go. She wasn’t crying, but her breathing was still heavy and Nadine could feel her heart pounding in her chest.

“Do you want me to stay or do you want your dad” Nadine asked quietly.

Ali gave no answer, but tightened the grip she had on Nadine. Nadine turned her head as far as she could until she was looking at Henry out of the side of her vision.

“Hun, why don’t you go down and get breakfast started” Nadine suggested.

“I…” Henry began.

“It’s okay,” Nadine encouraged. “We’ll be down.”

Henry watched them for a minute before disappearing downstairs. Nadine stood with Ali for a long time. She just held Ali lightly while Ali held tight to her. Nadine was starting to get tired, but she would stay there as long as Ali needed her to. After quite a while Nadine heard someone come into the room behind her. She turned her head again to look and saw Stevie coming over to them. Stevie came up to their side and placed a hand on Ali’s back.

“Hey Ali” Stevie said quietly. “It’s time to let Ima go for a minute.”

Ali didn’t loosen her grip and Nadine was moved to tell Stevie it was okay, but Stevie gave her a look that told her to give her a minute. Stevie slipped her arm under one of Ali’s hands and pulled her arm slowly away from Nadine.

“Come here Ali and give Ima a break” Stevie instructed. 

Ali transitioned from hugging Nadine to hugging Stevie. Nadine pulled away and sat on the edge of the bed. She felt tired all of a sudden and she felt bad, but it was a relief to be free of Ali’s embrace. 

“It’s okay Ali” Stevie comforted. “I know it can be scary when you can’t find Dad or Ima. You just have to remember to look a little slower and take your deep breaths. Just because they’re not here every time you look for them doesn’t mean they're gone.”

Ali took a few shuddering breaths and then pulled away from Stevie. Stevie smiled at her and let Ali pull away. 

“I’m sorry” Ali whimpered. 

“No sweetheart” Nadine replied. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I think I know what can make this all better,” Stevie announced, causing both Nadine and Ali to look at her skeptically. “Cinnamon buns and hot cocoa.”

Nadine and Ali both started laughing and Stevie joined them. Stevie looped one arm around Ali’s waist and reached her hand out to Nadine. 

“Let’s get down there before the boys eat everything and start opening presents without us” Stevie instructed.

Nadine let herself be pulled up from the bed and the three of them headed downstairs to join the boys. She couldn't help but be proud of what a perfect mix of Elizabeth and Henry Stevie was. It helped her feel like a bit of Elizabeth was still here with them. In the end it wasn't a conventional start to Christmas Day, but nothing had been conventional about the last few months.


	9. Chapter 9

Two Hundred and Thirty-Two Days

The day after Christmas Stevie had told Henry and Nadine that she and Blake were moving back into DC. They had rented an apartment and Blake had found a job. It had all been settled and they were going to leave after the New Year. Nadine had smiled and congratulated them and asked a million questions, but inside she felt sick. As the days went by she started to feel worse and worse and now the day had arrived. She hadn’t been apart from Stevie or Blake for more than a few hours since after Elizabeth’s burial. Something inside her was telling her that she shouldn’t let them go, but she was trying so hard to keep that down.

Everything was already packed and Henry had taken the moving truck with their stuff from storage to the apartment the day before. Ali was helping Stevie put the last box in the car and they were all standing in the driveway. Nadine was trying not to fidget while Blake was telling Henry their plans for decorating the apartment. Finally they were ready to go. 

Stevie bent down and gave Nadine a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

"Don't worry Ima'' Stevie comforted. "We'll talk everyday."

Nadine gave Stevie a small smile. She looked from her to Blake and back again. 

"Don't worry about me," Nadine replied. "You two just enjoy your freedom and take it easy."

Blake came over and gave her a hug and kiss and before she knew it they were pulling out of the driveway. She waved almost robotically along with Henry and Ali until their car disappeared. Ali turned and went inside and Henry wrapped his arms around her. 

"You okay" Henry asked. 

"I'm fine," Nadine replied, turning and giving him a peck on the lips. "I'm just going to go lay back down for a bit. 

Nadine turned and walked away leaving Henry standing in the driveway. She wasn't fine. Every horrible scenario of what could happen to the kids was running through her head. As she walked up the stairs she came to the horrible realization that she was going to be sick. She took off at a run into the master bedroom and through to the bathroom. She made it just in time to heave her breakfast into the toilet. She felt like it would never stop. 

After a while of dry heaving she slumped on the floor next to the toilet and leaned against the wall. Deep breaths she told herself. In through the nose out through the mouth. She was trying to control the overwhelming feeling of dread that had washed over her. Slowly she pulled herself from the floor. She could feel the cramping in her stomach and the weakness in her body as she laid down in bed and curled up in a tight ball. 

Henry came into the room shortly after she laid down. He came around to her side of the bed and sat down next to her. He placed the back of his hand gently on her forehead before pulling it away. 

"Baby, you're all clammy," Henry said quietly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Nadine said, giving Henry a small smile. 

"Let me get you a glass of water," Henry said. 

She heard him as he grabbed his glass of his nightstand and took it into the bathroom to fill it with fresh water. 

"Did you throw up" Henry asked from the bathroom. 

Nadine didn't reply. She didn't know what to say. She didn't realize she hadn't flushed the toilet. Henry came out with the glass of water and stood staring down at her. 

"It must have been something I ate" Nadine offered. 

Henry made her sit up and drink some of the water. It felt funny going into her stomach and all she wanted to do was sleep. Henry gently brushed her damp curls away from her face. 

"We've eaten all the same things baby" Henry said quietly. 

Nadine curled up and laid back down facing away from him. She didn't want to talk to him about it. She didn't even really understand it. She didn't know why she felt this way. 

"Ok baby" Henry whispered, kissing her gently on the back of her head. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

Henry left and Nadine let herself fall asleep. She slept fitfully and woke several times feeling like she would be sick again. When she woke again it was to the sound of someone coming into the room. She cracked her eyes open and saw Ali slip into the room. She had a small plate and a glass of juice. Ali set it on the nightstand and crawled up on the bed. 

"Ima" Ali said quietly. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Nadine replied. 

"Sit up and you can drink and eat something," Ali instructed. 

"I'm not hungry," Nadine replied. 

"Okay then drink some juice" Ali instructed. 

Nadine sat up and took the offered cup of juice. She drank it slowly, but found it tasted better than she thought it would. When she was done she gave Ali a small smile and handed it back. 

"Are you sure you're alright" Ali asked. 

"I'm fine sweetheart" Nadine replied. "I just need a good lie down is all."

It was clear that Ali was not going to be brushed off. She sat quietly next to Nadine staring at her hands. 

"You don't have to sit with me," Nadine said. "I promise I'm fine." 

"I'll just stay till you fall back to sleep," Ali offered. 

Nadine knew she could send her away, but she also knew it would hurt Ali if she did. So she laid back down and curled on her side away from Ali. Ali shifted on the bed and then Nadine felt her hand on her back. She rubbed Nadine's back in large circles with her thumb pressed down harder than the other fingers so it felt like her thin nail was drawing pictures on her back. It was exactly what Elizabeth used to do. 

Nadine buried her face in her pillow and let the tears fall quietly. She knew Ali couldn't see them so she let them come. As she cried she felt her body grow heavy again and she felt herself being pulled into sleep. Just as she was about to fall asleep Ali stopped her hand and shifted on the bed. Nadine thought she was leaving, but then she felt Ali's whole body press against her. One arm came over her gently and pulled her close. 

"I love you Ima" Ali whispered before kissing the back of Nadine's head. 

Nadine had no energy to say anything back so she let herself fall asleep in Ali's embrace thinking about how much she was hurting the kids by not being strong enough. She knew she needed to pull herself together. She just had to try harder.


	10. Chapter 10

Two Hundred and Sixty Days

Nadine had needed to escape the house for a bit. There was snow on the ground and it was freezing, but Henry had been watching her like a hawk and she wanted to get away. She wasn't supposed to ride the horses anymore and she knew it, but when Henry had hopped in the shower she had taken Elizabeth's horse out for a ride. 

She had never ridden a horse before Elizabeth. On her first trip to the farm Elizabeth had pulled her up on the horse with her. They had ridden together until Elizabeth taught Nadine to ride by herself. It had been a favorite activity of theirs to do together. Two years ago though she had finally had to have a double hip replacement and the doctor told her that horseback riding was off limits from now on. Today she didn't care. She just wanted to feel closer to Elizabeth for a little bit. 

It's been a couple hours now and she can't find her way back to the house. It had been so long since she'd been out on the property that she'd gotten turned around. She was starting to get cold and her hips were sore. She leaned down and spoke to the horse.

"Take me home girl," Nadine instructed. "Come on, take me home." 

Nadine tapped her heels against the horse's sides and loosened the reins hoping the horse would head for home slowly. Instead the horse took off running and the reins fell from Nadine's hands. She grabbed the horse's mane and held on as tight as she could. 

"Stop" Nadine screamed. "Woah! Woah! Stop!"

She could see a fence approaching in the distance and she started to panic. The horse wasn't turning, it was heading straight for it. 

"Stop" Nadine screamed again. 

The horse jumped high over the fence and as they landed on the other side Nadine felt extreme pain in her hip and she let go of the mane. She felt the ground before she realized she was falling. The pain was extreme as she watched the horse run away across the field. She resisted the urge to scream out and took slow deliberate breaths. 

She could hear shouting in the distance as she tried to breathe through the pain. As it got closer she could hear that someone was calling her name. 

"I'm here" Nadine screamed back. 

Nadine tried to sit up, but it hurt too much to move. She brought her hand down to her left hip and felt it slowly. It definitely didn't feel like the artificial joint had slipped out, but something hurt. She tried to look around and finally she saw the figures running towards her from the direction the horse had run off. In the distance she could just barely see the house. The two figures were getting closer and she let herself lie back in the snow. 

The first to get to her side was one of Henry's agents Allen. He knelt next to her and looked her body over for injury. The second was an older female agent that covered Ali named Sally. 

"Ms. Tolliver, are you okay" Sally asked. 

Nadine looked up at Sally.

"My hip," Nadine said. "I definitely hurt it, but I don't think it's dislocated."

"Alright, do you want to try and stand" Allen offered. "Or I can carry you or we can wait until an ambulance can get here." 

Nadine took another deep breath and focused on the pain in her hip. She couldn't stand and walking was definitely out of the question. She also didn't feel like laying in the snow for the half hour she knew it would take before an ambulance got to them. 

"Allen, I think you'll have to carry me," Nadine said embarrassed. 

“Okay Ma’am” Allen said. “Tell me if it hurts too much.”

Nadine nodded her agreement and Allen put one arm around her back under her arms and then bent to put his other under her knees. When he scooped her up to his chest she cried out in pain. It felt like lightning shooting through her left leg. Allen leaned to put her down again but she gripped his arm tightly to stop him.

“It’s okay,” Nadine said. “Just keep going.”

Allen stood up and adjusted her against his chest. Nadine could still feel the pain, but it wasn’t as shocking as when he had first lifted her. As they trudged back to the house Sally walked ahead trying to clear a path through the snow to make it easier for Allen to walk. As they got closer to the house she could see people standing on the porch. She recognized them as Henry and Ali and she knew she was in trouble. She knew the second that Ali saw that she was being carried because she screamed. It was a blood curdling scream that Nadine had never heard her make. She saw her run off the porch towards them and Sally rushed forward to block her.

“She’s okay Ali, but she’s hurt” Sally said wrapping her arms around Ali stopping her from moving. 

“Ima” Ali cried out.

Ali was thrashing against Sally and Nadine could hear her ragged breathing. She looked frantic with tears streaming down her face as she screamed for her.

“Stop Ali,” Sally instructed. “You don’t want to hurt her.”

“Let her go Sally,” Nadine instructed. “It’s okay.”

Sally glanced back skeptically but let Ali go. She rushed forward and threw herself at Nadine. When Ali’s weight hit them Allen couldn’t hold them both and he fell to his knees. He was careful not to drop her, but she was jostled between the two bodies and another lightning pain shot through her leg. Trying not to scream she gripped Allen’s arm hard and she could hear him hiss in pain. Once she could take a deep breath again she realized that Ali was still hyperventilating. She did her best to get a hand against Ali’s face and tried to push her back, but couldn’t.

“Sweetheart, you have to slow your breathing down,” Nadine instructed.

Ali continued to take shuddering breaths while muttering something that Nadine couldn’t understand.

“I can’t hear you,” Nadine said. “What are you trying to say?”

Nadine strained to try and catch what Ali was saying. As she listened closer she finally started to make out words.

“...dead..I...you” Ali whimpered. “..dead...mom...die...dead.”

“Ali” Nadine said sternly. “Ali I’m okay. Come on sweetheart breathe with me.”

She wiggled her other arm up and shifted her hands so that she was grabbing either side of Ali’s face. She pushed Ali away so that she could look in her eyes. The pain in her leg was starting to become overwhelming and the realization that she was still being held by Allen on the ground was strange, but she pushed through it to keep her face neutral for Ali.

“Ali breathe” Nadine instructed. “You need to breathe slower with me. In...Out...In...Out...Come on sweetheart. I’m right here. I’m okay.”

Finally Ali’s breath started to slow and return to something resembling normal. As soon as she could take steady breaths she broke out into huge heaving sobs. Her whole body weight fell against Nadine and she could feel Allen shift back further on the ground to keep them both secure. Nadine held Ali and looked up to Henry on the porch. He was sitting on the steps with his head in his hands slumped forward. 

“Henry” Nadine called lightly.

Henry didn’t look up. He didn’t even seem to move. Sally turned to look at Henry and took a few steps towards him.

“Henry” Nadine called again.

Still nothing and Sally walked over to him and crouched down next to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder and said his name. He still didn’t look up and she slipped her hand around his wrist to feel for a pulse. His pulse was steady, but still he didn’t acknowledge her presence. The ambulance pulled into the driveway and everything flew into a swirl of motion. Ali had to be pried off of her by Sally and there was screaming and crying. Nadine was loaded into the ambulance and it was decided it would be less traumatic if Ali was just allowed to ride along. Henry who still wouldn’t respond was put in the back with them to be monitored. They kept reassuring Nadine that he was fine physically and that he might be having a psychiatric problem. By the time they were settled in the hospital and all the tests were done and prescriptions were given Nadine was exhausted. Once she was sure that Ali and Henry were taken care of she let herself fall asleep, 

When she woke again Henry was sitting next to her bed holding her hand. She looked around the room to see who else was there. Ali was asleep on a couch in the corner and she could see that the Secret Service was outside the door. She looked up at Henry who had his eyes closed. She rubbed her thumb against Henry’s hand to see if he was awake. His eyes shot open and he gave her a small smile, but she could see the pain in his eyes.

“Hi,” Nadine said quietly.

“Hi,” Henry replied.

“How’s Ali” Nadine asked, looking over at their sleeping daughter.

“They gave her some Xanax and she’s been sleeping for a while,” Henry explained. “They let us come in here when I explained that we all lived together.”

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Nadine scolded. “What if someone asks questions?”

Henry dropped her hand and stood up. He walked over to the window and Nadine watched him surprised. 

“Henry” Nadine questioned.

“Do you have any idea what that was like for me” Henry asked, still facing the window.

“Henry” Nadine started.

“No” Henry snapped. “You don’t get to pretend like nothing happened.”

Nadine was startled by Henry’s forcefulness. He wasn’t usually one to raise his voice. She looked anxiously over at Ali to make sure she was still asleep. Henry had turned from the window and was looking at her.

“Do you have any idea what it was like to have no idea where you were” Henry asked. “We were looking everywhere and couldn’t find you. Then I see you being carried across the field in Allen’s arms and I didn’t know what had happened to you. I thought you were dead for a minute.”

Nadine could feel her lip quivering as she tried to keep her tears in check. She hadn’t meant for this to happen. She had just wanted to get away for a little bit. She had only wanted some alone time. Now all three of them were in a hospital and it was all her fault. She took a few shuddering breaths trying to control her emotions.

“Henry” Nadine whimpered.

Henry closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tightly across his chest. Nadine could see how much she had been hurting him. She could see the pain he had been experiencing written across his face and she hated that she hadn’t noticed it before. She was trying so hard to keep the kids from seeing how much she was suffering she didn’t realize how much she was hurting Henry. She knew she needed to pull herself together to protect him. She needed to make sure her family was taken care of and not be gallivanting off to do things she knew she shouldn’t do.

“Henry,” Nadine said, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have gone off without saying anything. I promise I won’t do it again.”

Henry took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Nadine reached her hand out to him.

“Come here hun” Nadine instructed.

Henry reached out and grabbed her hand and let her pull him to her. She pulled him down so that he had to lay down on the bed next to her. He settled his head lightly on her shoulder and she pulled him tight to her body. She brushed her hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head. 

“I’m so sorry,” Nadine whispered. “I love you Henry. I promise I’ll be better.”

Henry tightened his grip on her. She could tell he was being careful to not touch her hip. It was only a ligament pull, but still it hurt. They had given her pain medication so she couldn’t feel it that much now, but she knew if she was jostled too much it would hurt. She loved that even when upset Henry was still taking care of her. She wanted to be able to do that for him too. When they got home she would be sure to be more careful about what stress she was putting on Henry. She realized that she needed to protect Henry as much as she had been protecting the kids.

“I don’t need you to be better,” Henry said. “I need you to be honest with me. I need you to be you again.”

“I’m fine,” Nadine replied. “I’m right here and I’m fine.”

“I miss you” Henry whispered.

Nadine didn’t understand what he was saying. They hadn’t been apart at all since Elizabeth died. Why was he saying he missed her. She needed to do better at making him feel like she was okay. 

“I’m right here,” Nadine continued.

The door flew open and Stevie came rushing into the room. She rushed to Nadine’s side and stopped at the edge of the bed. She looked a mess and she was winded. She had obviously run there. As she looked over Nadine and Henry tears started running down her face.

“Ima” Stevie whispered.

Henry sat up and Nadine opened her arms to Stevie. Henry reached out and stopped Stevie from launching herself at Nadine. Nadine looked at him shocked and Stevie stepped away from the bed.

“She hurt that hip,” Henry explained. “Come around to this side.”

“It’s fine Henry” Nadine scolded, but Stevie walked around to Nadine’s other side.

Henry got off the bed and Stevie hesitantly leaned down to hug Nadine. Nadine could feel the tension in Stevie’s body. She pulled on her making Stevie lean down on the bed. 

“Come here love” Nadine encouraged. “It’s okay.”

Stevie crawled onto the bed and laid down the same way that Henry had just been lying. Stevie’s body shook as she took quick stilted breaths. Nadine could feel Stevie’s body shaking in her grip and she slowly began rubbing her back with one hand. She cooed in Stevie’s ear comfortingly.

“It’s okay,” Nadine encouraged. “I’m perfectly fine. I just had a bit of an accident with mom’s horse. They say I just strained a ligament in my hip. A few weeks with a cane and I’ll be like new again.”

Stevie took a deep breath and nuzzled her face into Nadine’s shoulder like a little child. Nadine kissed her on her forehead.

“They wouldn’t tell me what happened,” Stevie whimpered. “I thought... I thought…”

“I know,” Nadine replied. “But I’m okay. We’re all okay. They say I can go home in the morning.”

Stevie sat up and looked down at Nadine. She wiped the tears from her face.

“You’re not supposed to be riding the horses” Stevie scolded.

Nadine couldn’t help but smile at the very Elizabeth look that had formed on Stevie’s face.

“I know,” Nadine replied. “I shouldn’t have done it and I already promised your dad I wouldn’t do it again. I’ve learned my lesson.”

“Please Ima, you have to be more careful” Stevie said. “I can’t…”

Stevie's face crinkled and her lip began to quiver. Nadine knew what she was trying to say. She couldn’t lose another mom.

“I promise Stevie,” Nadine said. “I promise.”

Stevie let herself be pulled back down to lie cuddled into Nadine. Henry stood looking down at the two of them. Nadine knew that their conversation wasn’t over, but she was glad for Stevie’s interruption. As soon as they got home she planned to double her effort to keep the family together. She just had to get a grip on her emotions and she would be able to keep the family safe. She was sure of it.


	11. Chapter 11

Two Hundred and Seventy-One Days

Almost two weeks of walking with the cane after her little oopsie with the horse and she was already tired of it. Anytime Henry or Ali saw her without it they would scold her and it felt like a weight she had to carry around at all times. She wouldn’t admit it, but she really did need it to help keep some of the pain at bay. She was doing all the exercises, but she was still experiencing some pain when she walked and the cane did help. Still she was greatly looking forward to not having to use it anymore.

Nadine was relaxing on the screen porch with the heater when she heard the gate phone ring and Ali picked it up. She heard as she went out the front door and then Nadine saw a blue car drive up the driveway and stop. Ali met the car and a girl about Ali’s age got out. Nadine got up and walked quietly out of the screen porch and down the porch towards the front driveway. The girl took a step towards Ali and Ali backed away. From her place on the porch Nadine didn’t think they could see her, but she could hear them talking.

“What are you doing here Katie” Ali asked.

“What do you mean what am I doing here” Katie replied. “You haven’t returned a single text or call in almost two weeks. I got worried.”

“I told you that my family needs me,” Ali replied. “I need to be here.”

“Does your family need you or do you need your parents” Katie asked. “I understand that you need to be closer to your parents Ali, but it’s been months and you said you would come home.”

“I can’t leave Ima right now” Ali replied. “She needs me. Her and dad both need me.”

“They have each other” Katie said. “You’re using them and the farm as a crutch. You have a life Ali. I thought I was part of that life. I want you to come home.”

“I can't,” Ali said quieter.

“Ali I love you and I’ll wait for you, but it’s getting harder,” Katie said.

Ali looked up at her and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. Katie reached a hand out and put it gently on Ali’s arm. 

“Come home baby” Katie said. “Come home to me.”

“You should leave Katie” Ali said, taking a step back and then turning her back on Katie. 

Katie watched her as she walked back up to the porch. She got in her car and left while Ali stood on the porch and watched her drive away. Nadine quietly came out of hiding and walked down the porch to Ali. She hadn’t known that Ali was seeing someone. It sounded like they had been living together before Elizabeth died. She didn’t even know that Ali was gay, but it was very obvious that Katie was Ali’s girlfriend.

“Hey sweetheart” Nadine said quietly in an effort to not startle Ali too much.

Ali looked up at Nadine in surprise. She had obviously not known that Nadine was downstairs let alone that she had been outside.

“Ima what are you doing up and around” Ali said. “I thought you were taking a nap.”

“I was napping on the screen porch,” Nadine replied. “I woke up a little bit ago and heard you pick up the gate phone. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ali replied.

“Really” Nadine asked. 

“How much did you hear” Ali asked.

“Enough to know that there might be something you want to tell me,” Nadine said kindly.

“I...I don’t” Ali stammered.

“Sweetheart, you know you can talk to me about anything,” Nadine said. “Come sit with me for a bit.”

Nadine reached out for Ali’s hand and Ali reluctantly gave it to her. Together they walked back to the screen porch and Nadine sat on the big lounger. She patted the seat next to her and Ali climbed in to sit next to her. Nadine pulled the blanket she had been using over both of them and then wrapped her arm around Ali’s shoulders pulling her close.

“Do you want to start by telling me who Katie is” Nadine offered.

“She’s my…”Ali started quietly. “She’s my girlfriend.”

“How come you never told us about her” Nadine asked.

“I don’t know,” Ali replied. “We started dating over a year ago and then I moved in with her two weeks before mom…”

“Before mom died” Nadine finished.

“Yeah” Ali replied. “I was going to bring her home to meet all of you when you guys got back from your trip and then everything just…”

“I understand,” Nadine said.

Ali fidgeted her hands in her lap and Nadine resisted the urge to put her hand over Ali’s. She knew that Ali needed to feel all of this. Ali was struggling and they hadn’t done a very good job of helping her through it. So far they had just coddled her thinking it was the best way to keep her safe. Now Nadine was seeing that maybe they hadn’t made the right choice.

“Why did you tell her you had to stay here for me and dad” Nadine asked.

“I don’t know,” Ali replied. “I don’t know how to tell her that I can’t sleep on my own or that I have nightmares. I don’t think it’s fair to put that on her. I don’t know if I can be okay if I’m not here with you and dad.”

Nadine loved Ali’s honesty. She wished she could be that brave to be honest with people. But it was easy for Ali, nobody depended on her. Everyone depended on Nadine and she couldn’t afford honesty.

“She seems like a good person, Ali” Nadine replied. “It sounds like she loves you and wants you to go home. Maybe it’s time.”

Ali pulled away from Nadine and looked up at her.

“Do you want me to leave” Ali asked.

“I don’t want you to leave sweetheart,” Nadine explained. “You can stay here as long as you want. This is your home and it always will be. But I want you to be happy and have a life of your own. I think you need to start finding a way to live again. Maybe moving back in with Katie is a good place to start. You always have us to come back to if you need us.”

“I’m scared,” Ali said, curling back into Nadine.

“I know,” Nadine replied. “It’s okay to be scared a little. I was scared when I first moved in with your mom and dad. I was scared to leave what I had always known. I was scared to give up what made me feel safe. After I did it though I realized that I could be safe with them and that they would take care of me. Sometimes it’s worth it to do something that scares you a little.”

“Ima” Ali said quietly. “Do you miss mom?”

Nadine took a deep breath and pushed back the tears that were forming in her eyes. She was glad that Ali couldn’t see her face while she tried to control the flush of emotions. She knew she had to answer Ali’s question, but she didn’t know if she could without crying and she refused to do that in front of the kids.

“I…” Nadine began. “I miss her every minute of every day.”

Ali snuggled in closer and grabbed tighter on Nadine’s shirt. Nadine pulled Ali tighter.

“I miss her too,” Ali said. “I feel like I’m never going to stop missing her.”

“That’s okay,” Nadine replied. “It’s okay if you miss her for the rest of your life, but eventually you’ll find you don’t feel it quite as much as you do now. It will start to become a duller feeling and it will shift further back in your heart. You may always miss your mom, but it won’t always feel this intense.”

“I think I should go call Katie,” Ali said.

“I think that would probably be a good idea” Nadine replied kissing her on the forehead. 

Ali got up and leaned over and kissed Nadine on the cheek.

“Thank you Ima,” Ali said. “I love you!”

Ali left Nadine on the porch and Nadine curled up with the blanket. She heard the door to the house close again and saw Henry come out. He came over and silently took Ali’s place next to her. He pulled her silently into his body and she curled into him happily. He kissed her on the top of the head and Nadine hummed a quiet acknowledgment. 

“At some point you’re going to have to start taking your own advice” Henry said.

Nadine just curled herself further into Henry and closed her eyes. She was fine. She would be fine. She was doing what she had always done and would always do. She was taking care of her family. She was doing it for Elizabeth.


	12. Chapter 12

Two Hundred and Seventy-Six Days

Ali had made the decision to move quickly. She had come back down to Nadine and Henry two hours after Nadine and she had talked and told them she was moving back to DC. She was obviously still nervous, but she had told Katie everything and Katie had said she still wanted her to come home and Ali had decided she wanted that too. Nadine hadn’t expected her to come to a decision that quickly and she certainly hadn’t expected her to say she wanted to move only five days later. 

They were meeting Katie for the first time today when she was coming to pick up Ali’s things. They had packed half of her things in Ali’s car and the other half would fit in Katie’s car. Anything that was left over Nadine and Henry said they would bring over when they came into DC next. They were in DC at least once a week for their therapy appointments so it wasn’t hard for them to go a little out of the way to visit any of the kids.

Nadine had spent the morning keeping herself busy by prepping lunch. She had decided to make a big lunch so that they could all sit and talk for a while and get to know Katie. She wanted Ali to feel comfortable bringing Katie around and she wanted Katie to feel comfortable coming to visit them. She was still feeling a little worried that Ali had been hiding her for so long and she wanted to make sure that they both felt completely supported. 

When Katie pulled into the driveway Nadine could feel her anxiety start to build up. She wanted Ali to be happy and have a life of her own, but it was going to be hard to let her drive away. Nadine watched from the window as Ali hugged and kissed Katie and then dragged her up to the porch to be introduced to Henry. Nadine waited inside for them all to come in. Ali pulled Katie inside straight over to Nadine.

“Katie this is my Ima” Ali introduced. “Ima this is Katie.”

Nadine reached her hand out to shake hands with Katie. Katie smiled a genuine smile and returned her hand shake.

“Ms. Tolliver, it's nice to meet you,” Katie said.

“Oh you can call me Nadine” Nadine offered. “It’s nice to meet you Katie.”

“Alright who’s ready for lunch” Henry announced loudly.

Nadine let Henry usher everyone into the dining room and she started bringing the food to the table. Henry offered to help, but she waved him away. It was a little harder than normal to carry everything with her cane, but she managed. They had already started at her insistence when she finally sat down. She put some food on her plate and started nibbling while she listened to Henry and Katie talking about something to do with her job. Henry quietly reached over and placed his hand on her thigh and she smiled at him. He scooped up some more pasta salad and put it on her plate. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do this to try and get her to eat more. She knew she wasn’t eating enough, but she wished he wouldn’t do it in front of the kids. They were an observant bunch and she didn’t want them to ask questions.

“How is your leg healing Ms. Tolliver” Katie asked.

“Oh it’s fine” Nadine replied quickly. “It was silly really.”

“Ima it wasn’t exactly silly” Ali said quietly. “You could have been really hurt. We thought you were hurt.”

The table got quiet. Nadine could hear the hurt in Ali’s voice. She knew it was a sensible topic for all of them, but she hadn't wanted to make Katie uncomfortable. Now she could feel herself getting defensive. 

“I know Ali,” Nadine replied. “I’m sorry sweetheart I didn’t mean to make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal. I just don’t want to fret over it. It happened and it’s over. I promised not to ride the horses again.”

She felt like a scolded child. She hated having to constantly defend her actions and apologize for them. She knew she wasn’t supposed to do certain things, but she was still an adult and she could do what she wanted. She could feel irritation start to boil up inside her and she tried to push it away. She could see that Katie was looking down at her plate embarrassed and Ali was staring her down with sad eyes.

“I really am tired of having to defend myself about this,” Nadine snipped. 

“Baby I don’t think…” Henry started.

“No, I know I messed up, but really couldn’t we just stop talking about it” Nadine snapped.

The table was completely silent and she knew that she had overstepped. She could feel tears building up in her eyes and she looked down at her plate. Henry’s hand slipped back onto her thigh and squeezed lightly. 

“I’m sorry Ima” Ali said quietly.

Nadine looked up at Ali and saw that her lip was quivering and she could tell that Katie was comforting her under the table much like Henry was her. She took a deep breath,

“No Ali I’m sorry” Nadine said quietly. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

They continued eating in silence for a while. Henry tried to start up a conversation, but both girls seemed a little shell shocked. Katie answered questions and a small conversation between the two started. Ali and Nadine both remained silent. Nadine pushed the food around her plate not actually eating anything. Ali ate everything on her plate and then sat staring at the empty plate quietly.

“I think we should head out if we want to get home before dark,” Katie said.

Ali rose from the table quickly and Katie followed. Henry stood up acknowledging the timing leaving Nadine sitting at the table. Ali went and gathered the last of the things she wanted to put in her car and Henry and Katie carried the boxes stacked by the door to put in Katie’s car. Nadine quietly started clearing the table. She couldn’t help carry the boxes anyway and she knew that she had made a horrible impression with Katie.

When they had loaded up the cars and were ready to go Henry came into the kitchen and got her. She followed him out to the driveway where the girls were standing waiting. Ali stepped forward and shyly reached out to hug Nadine. Nadine’s heart clenched at the realization that Ali was nervous to hug her. She had never wanted any of the kids to be hesitant around her. She pulled Ali tightly to her body.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart” Nadine whispered. “I love you so much!”

Nadine tried to keep the sadness out of her voice as she held Ali as close as she could.

“I love you too Ima” Ali whispered.

“I’m always here no matter what” Nadine whispered. “You call or text whenever you want and come home if you need. I’m going to miss you.”

“I promise I’ll call you everyday,” Ali whispered. “Ima, will you promise me something?”

“Of course” Nadine replied.

“Call me if you need me,” Ali said quietly. “I’m here for you just as much as you are for me.”

Nadine could feel tears forming again and she tightened her grip on Ali. She didn’t want to let her go. She didn’t feel like she deserved such a loving daughter. She didn’t want to think about why Ali felt she needed to be taken care of. She was supposed to take care of her kids, not the other way around. She kissed the side of Ali’s head.

“I’ll be okay, I promise” Nadine whispered.

Nadine let go of Ali and pushed her back and looked at her. She really had grown up into a beautiful young woman and she was glad that Ali was moving on with her life. Her heart clenched and she pulled her hands back and wrapped them tightly around her body. She wouldn’t cry in front of them. 

Ali hugged her dad and then stepped back to Katie. Katie said her goodbyes and they both got in their cars. Nadine watched as they drove out of the driveway and couldn’t help the horrible feeling in her stomach. This was not how she had wanted this afternoon to go. She had wanted to make the girls feel welcome and instead she had freaked out and made them both feel uncomfortable. She hated this new person she had become. She never would have behaved like this when Elizabeth was alive. Henry stepped towards her to hug her, but she couldn't’ bare it. She knew if she let him hold her she would break. 

Nadine walked past him and into the house. She heard him say her name, but she kept walking. She decided the lunch didn’t matter. If Henry wanted to he could put it away, but she just didn’t care. She went upstairs and stripped down to her underwear and pulled on one of Henry’s sweaters. She climbed into bed and laid down. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew she couldn’t keep going on like this.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard one to write. I can see it so clearly in my mind and had a hard time getting it down in words. Hope it comes across and you guys like it.

Two Hundred and Ninety-One Days

In the two weeks since Ali moved out it had been quiet in the house. Nadine knew Henry was trying to get her to open up and talk, but she knew she couldn't do it. She pulled further and further away from him each time he tried to start a conversation about anything deeper than small talk. She felt like she was so brittle that if he even touched her she would break in a million pieces and it scared her. She had taken to putting a line of pillows between them in the bed at night so he couldn't get to her. She knew he didn't understand, but she couldn't think of what else to do to protect him from her. 

The nightmares had come back now that she had isolated herself in bed. Before Henry and Ali's presence helped keep them at bay and when they would happen she would wake to the closeness of one or both of them and be fine. Now though she would wake in a cold sweat panting and looking around confused until she remembered what was real and what wasn't. It was getting harder to come back to reality after each one. 

Nadine startled awake from another nightmare and looked around the room. Henry was asleep next to her, but Ali wasn’t in the bed. She got out of bed quickly and quietly. She needed to make sure that Ali was okay. The nightmare had been a terrible one. She had dreamt that she had lost them all in a horrible accident. She quietly opened Ali’s door and looked in. She wasn’t in there and her bed wasn’t slept in. Her heart rate went up and she headed downstairs to check the kitchen. She was rushing now and she couldn’t find Ali anywhere. She pulled open Stevie and Blake’s door and found them gone too. She rushed back up to Jason’s room and found him gone. Where were her children? 

“Henry” she screamed. “Henry!”

She was stopped in the upstairs hallway holding herself up against the wall. She could feel her breath coming in fast bursts and she clutched her chest. Her children were missing and she felt like she was dying. Where were her children? She lost her children and she couldn’t find them and no one was helping her.

“Henry” she screamed again.

Henry came bounding out of their bedroom and rushed to her side. He grabbed her roughly and she let him handle her. She could see the panic in his face as he tried to assess what was wrong with her.

“The kids” Nadine gasped. “I can’t find the kids.”

Henry’s face turned to one of confusion. Nadine looked at him in panic and concern. She didn’t understand why he looked so confused. Why wasn’t he worried? She had just told him that she couldn’t find their children and he looked concerned about her. Why was he looking at her like she was crazy?

“You need to calm down,” Henry said, holding her upper arms tightly.

“How can I be calm” Nadine gasped. “I can’t find our children.”

“Nadine you’re hyperventilating” Henry explained. “You need to take slower breaths or you’re going to pass out.”

Nadine tried to understand what he was saying, but everything felt like it was spiraling. She needed to find the kids. She needed to make Henry understand that something was wrong. Why did it matter if she was breathing right or not? She tried to focus on her breathing and realized that her mouth was dry and she felt sick. She tried to take slower breaths.

“That’s good baby,” Henry encouraged. “Deep slow breaths.”

Nadine tried to listen to Henry. She trusted Henry. She needed to listen to Henry. 

“The kids are okay,” Henry explained. “Remember they all moved back to their homes.”

Nadine shook her head confused. The kids should be here. Why weren’t the kids here?

“Jason moved in with Becca months ago and Stevie and Blake got an apartment near Blake’s new job” Henry continued. “Ali moved back in with Katie only two weeks ago. You remember?”

Her breath was coming slower now though each breath was a fight. She felt sick to her stomach and her chest ached. Her mind was foggy and she turned her head side to side trying to get it to clear. She knew Henry would never lie to her, but she couldn’t remember the kids moving out. She needed to see her kids. She needed to know they were okay. She didn’t understand why she was so scared?

“No...I...I…” Nadine mumbled. “I need to find the kids.”

Nadine pulled away from Henry and tried to run down the hallway. She needed to look outside. She hadn’t looked outside. The kids were probably outside. Henry’s arms came around her middle and snatched her out of the air. She screamed and started kicking and trying to pull away from him. He pulled her close to his body and she fought as hard as she could. She felt them fall to the ground as Henry held her as tight as he could. She needed to get to the kids. 

“Let me go,” Nadine screamed. “Let me go.”

She heard footsteps on the stairs and Henry held her to him and tried to get her to stop fighting. She couldn’t stop fighting, something was wrong and she needed to fix it. The people appeared and she recognized them. It was their detail. Surely they would help her.

“Sir, we heard shouting,” Allen said to Henry.

“She’s confused,” Henry explained. “She thinks the kids are missing.”

“I can’t find the kids,” Nadine said exasperated. She tried to shove herself from Henry’s grip, but he wouldn’t release her. She let her body relax.

“What can I do sir” Allen asked.

“Get my phone from my bedside table,” Henry instructed.

“Why won’t you listen to me” Nadine whined.

Henry flipped her in his arms so that she was facing him, but she couldn’t move away.

“Nadine, the kids are fine,” Henry explained calmly. “They are all at their own homes. I need you to calm down.”

“I don’t understand” Nadine whined.

She didn’t understand. Her head was so muddled. She needed someone to make it all stop. Why was everything so confused. Allen came back and handed Henry his phone.

“Do you need anything else sir” Allen asked.

“Just give us some space” Henry asked. “Don’t go far though.”

Allen and the other agent went downstairs leaving her with Henry. It all felt very overwhelming. She couldn’t understand why her brain felt like this. She needed someone to make it stop.

“Where’s Elizabeth” Nadine asked

Henry’s eyes filled with sadness. She didn’t like seeing him like this. She didn’t understand why he was behaving so strangely.

“I want Elizabeth” Nadine cried.

She was no longer fighting for breath, but now her eyes were filling with tears. She was so confused. Why was her brain so foggy?

“Please Henry, I want Elizabeth” Nadine whimpered.

Henry loosened his grip and held her gently against his body.

“Elizabeth is gone, Nadine” Henry said quietly.

“No...No you’re wrong” Nadine stammered. “No...No Elizabeth wouldn’t leave me.”

Elizabeth wouldn’t leave her. Elizabeth promised she would never leave her. Why did this hurt so much. Her mind was starting to clear and the pain was increasing.

“She didn’t leave us baby” Henry explained. “She was taken from us. You’re right she would never leave us on purpose, but someone took her from us.”

Flashes of light and pain were going through her mind. No it couldn’t be true. Why was her brain doing this to her?

“Elizabeth is dead,” Henry said calmly. “She’s not coming back.”

He’s right. She doesn’t want him to be right, but now that he’s said it she knows he is right. She doesn’t know how she could have forgotten. A loud sob escaped her and she clung to Henry’s arm. She needed him to be wrong.

“Are you sure the kids are okay” Nadine sobbed. “I...I feel scared.”

Henry gently rubbed her back and let her sob into his shirt. He picked up his phone and she could tell he was calling someone.

“Hey dad what’s up” Stevie’s voice came over the speaker.

“Honey, I need you to talk to Ima,” Henry said calmly. “She’s with me here on speaker phone and she’s having a rough morning. She needs to hear that you and Blake are okay.”

There was a long pause and another loud sob escaped Nadine as she tried to control the overwhelming emotions she was experiencing.

“Ima” Stevie said questioningly. “It’s okay Ima. Blake and I are okay. Blake just left for work, but I can call him back if you want to talk to him.”

Nadine couldn’t talk she was crying so hard. It was all starting to come back to her now. Her mind was clearing. Elizabeth was dead. Elizabeth had been dead for many months. The kids had moved out. All of them were safe.

“Ima, do you want me to come home” Stevie asked. “Why don’t I come home for the day. We can spend the day cuddling and watching movies. I can be there in a little over an hour.”

Nadine took shuddering breaths and tried to calm herself down. She knew now that she was having a panic attack. She was coming down from a panic attack and she had lost track of what was real and wasn’t. She realized she had just lost complete control in front of Henry and now Stevie.

“I think that would be good, Stevie” Henry answered. “I don’t think she can answer right now, but she seems to have calmed down after hearing your voice. Only if you don’t have anything going on today though.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Stevie replied. “Should I see if the others can come?”

Nadine stiffened in Henry’s arms. This was already bad enough, she couldn't have the other kids see her like this.

“No honey, don’t tell the others about this” Henry said and hung up the phone.

They sat there in silence as Nadine tried to regroup. Henry rubbed his hand calmly along her arms and held her lightly. 

“I forgot” Nadine whispered. “I forgot the kids moved out. I forgot that Elizabeth was dead. How could I forget all of that?”

“I think you’ve been struggling for a while and you’ve been trying to keep it all in” Henry responded. “I think your mind finally gave up trying to control everything.”

“I’m sorry” Nadine whimpered. “I’m sorry!”

Nadine broke out in a new round of sobs and clutched hard to Henry. Henry curled over her and held her tighter.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Henry explained. “I know you miss her. I know you’re grieving. You have to let yourself feel those things openly. You have to feel it all or it’s going to keep eating you up.”

She felt like she would never stop crying. The sobbing had taken her over and she clutched onto Henry like he was the only thing that was still real. He was the only thing keeping her alive.

“You have to start living again baby” Henry whispered. “I can’t lose you too. It would kill me if I lost you too.”

Her heart broke hearing Henry say that he couldn’t lose her. She hadn’t thought about how much she could be hurting him by keeping all of her emotions inside. She had thought she was protecting him, but the whole time she had been hurting him. He had been afraid this whole time that he was going to lose her and she hadn’t even realized. What was wrong with her? She felt tired all of a sudden. Her whole body felt heavy. She couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore.

“I’m sorry” Nadine whispered. “I’m so sorry!”

“No baby,” Henry said.

“I’m so tired,” Nadine mumbled. “I feel so tired.”

“Alright let’s go back to bed” Henry replied.

Henry tried to nudge her into an upright position, but her body was limp. She tried to help him, but it was like her whole body was too tired to move. Henry tried again, but from the angle they were in she was slightly pinning him to the ground. He couldn’t get up and lift her without having to push her off on the floor first.

“Allen” Henry called out.

Footsteps rushed up the stairs and then Allen was there. She couldn’t really see him because her blinking kept taking longer and longer as her body got heavier.

“Can you please pick her up and carry her to our bedroom” Henry asked.

Without questions Allen walked over and slipped his arms around Nadine. He lifted her gently and carried her effortlessly to their bedroom. Henry followed quickly and helped Allen lay her down comfortably on the bed. Henry exhausted Allen and then climbed into bed with her. She felt him wrap around her body and she enjoyed his warmth and comfort. She felt so much pain and so much sadness she felt like it would drown her. She hoped that if she held onto Henry tight enough he might be able to keep her safe from it all. She wasn’t sure she could do it on her own after all. It was all too hard to do on her own, she needed Henry.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check tags before reading this chapter.

Three Hundred and Forty-One Days

The last month and a half had been the most painful time she had ever experienced. She had opened up to Henry about everything she had been feeling and about her true diagnosis. She told him about the medications she was supposed to be taking and hadn’t and all of the things she had been hiding from him. They had talked for hours everyday working through all of the things they had avoided for months. Henry talked her into going on the medications the therapist advised and they both worked on being as honest with each other as they could. There were a lot of panic attacks and a lot of tears. Nadine has never experienced the kind of exhaustion she had during this time. They had taken to sleeping whenever and wherever they felt like it. Often after a panic attack or a large episode of crying Nadine would need to sleep wherever she was. Henry had held her while she slept on the floor, in the field, on the porch, anywhere they happened to be.

When they had all started seeing a therapist a few weeks after Elizabeth died they had talked together about what they wanted to do. They had agreed that they would each pick their own therapist, but because of the nature of their family they had to reduce it to only two therapists. So it ended up split where Henry and Jason saw one therapist and Nadine, Stevie, Blake, and Ali saw another. Nadine and Henry had needed the comfort of the separation of knowing what they said to their therapist wouldn’t get to the other. Stevie and Blake on the other hand wanted the option to do a couple's appointments if they desired. They had been taking advantage of that recently and Stevie had shared with Ali how much easier it was to say some things when they were in the therapist’s office. So Ali had come to Nadine and asked if they could have an appointment together. Nadine had been caught off-guard, but she had agreed after some encouragement from Henry that it was time to be honest with Ali about what had really been going on.

Now that they were both sitting in front of their therapist she was starting to get cold feet. She never wanted to lie to the kids, but she had come to the realization that she had been lying to them the whole time. She knew that by keeping everything she was feeling to herself she had been lying to them about her experiences. She had done them all a great disservice by keeping from them what her grief was doing to her. She had talked a little to Stevie about it, but for the most part Nadine and Henry had kept to themselves for the past month to help Nadine adjust to being honest about her feelings. She was ready to talk to the kids about what she was feeling, but she wasn’t ready for them to see her completely break down. She knew how scary it must be because of the way that Henry explained it to her when she asked. She wasn’t ready to do that to her kids.

“So you can talk freely while you’re here like always” their therapist, Dr. Warner, explained. “You can choose to talk to me or to each other and if at any point you need to take a break or stop all you have to do is ask.”

Nadine nodded her head and saw Ali do the same. She didn’t know what this hour was going to be, but she knew at some point she was going to have to tell Ali that she had been keeping things from her and she was scared. She felt the anxiety start to build up and she took slow deep breaths. 

“Ali since you’re the one who invited Nadine to this session, would you like to start” Dr. Warner asked. 

“Okay” Ali replied.

Nadine looked at Ali and gave her a small smile. Ali looked nervous and Nadine wanted to reach out and hold her to take away her discomfort. This was one of the feelings that she had been working on, with the help of Henry and Dr. Warner. She always wanted to take other’s pain away from them without thinking about what they could learn from having to deal with some things on their own. Now she was trying to become comfortable waiting for the kids and Henry to ask for her comfort before reaching out and trying to take all of their discomfort away from them. 

“I umm...I wanted to talk to you about something and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to do it if I didn’t have someone to hold me accountable,” Ali explained. 

“Okay” Nadine replied, her nerves bubbling low in her stomach.

“I...I…” Ali stammered.

“Remember Ali” Dr. Warner interrupted. “Take a deep breath and remember no one here is judging you.”

Ali took a noticeably deep breath and Nadine took the opportunity to do the same. 

“I’ve really been struggling since mom died,” Ali began. “It’s been hard for me seeing how well the rest of you are handling it and I’ve been keeping a lot of it to myself.”

Nadine’s heart hurt for Ali. She glanced at Dr. Warner who gave her a knowing and understanding look. Ali thought that Nadine had wanted her to think, that she was fine, and that had been hurting Ali. Ali took another deep breath and glanced at Dr. Warner.

“I don’t want you to be mad at me and I don’t know if you can understand,” Ali continued.

“Whatever it is, I promise I won’t be mad” Nadine interrupted.

“Three weeks ago I was in the hospital because I attempted suicide” Ali said quickly.

Nadine felt like her heart stopped. Bile rose up in her throat and she thought she would be sick. Her head spun and her vision blurred. Her daughter tried to kill herself and she hadn’t even known. She tried to take a breath and found she couldn’t. She put a hand to her chest and tried to force herself to breathe. She couldn’t make this about herself. She needed to get a grip, but her body seemed to have other ideas. She knew there was a trash can a few feet away and she bolted for it landing on hands and knees and throwing up. There was a worried conversation behind her and then she felt her hair being pulled back and then a hand on her back.

“Do you want to take one of your pills” Dr. Warner asked close to her ear.

Nadine had come to the horrifying conclusion in the last few months that her body's reaction to extreme stress or anxiety was to become sick. She had never thrown up as much in her whole life as she had in the last few months. She was tired of it and she hated that it was something out of her control. She took deep breaths in through her nose and let them out through her mouth. 

“No, not here” Nadine replied in a whisper.

Nadine rolled around to look back at Ali who was sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest. She was curled into a ball watching Nadine with scared eyes. Before Nadine could think about it she got up and quickly made her way to Ali’s side. She wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into her body. Ali let herself be pulled over and settled into Nadine’s body. 

“I’m sorry” Ali whimpered.

“No” Nadine snapped. She regretted her tone and took a breath. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

Dr. Warner got up off the floor and sat back in her chair. Nadine made eye contact with her looking for help. She didn’t know what to say to make it all okay. She didn’t think there was anything she could say that would make it all okay. Dr. Warner gave her an encouraging nod and a look that told her she needed to talk to Ali. Dr. Warner and she had talked about Nadine needing to talk openly with the kids, but so far Nadine had been reluctant. Now the necessity had arisen and she needed to step up to the plate and be the mom Ali needed. 

“Ali, I should be apologizing to you,” Nadine said. “I’m so sorry that you didn’t feel comfortable coming to me when you were feeling sad. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there to help you.”

Ali remained quiet and snuggled closer into Nadine’s body. Nadine rubbed her hand up and down Ali’s back. 

“I’ve been lying to you,” Nadine whispered. 

“What do you mean” Ali asked.

“You said that it was hard for you because of how well you thought the rest of us were handling things” Nadine paused. “I’ve been lying to you about how well I’ve been doing.”

Ali sat up from their embrace and looked at Nadine. Nadine shied away from her gaze and looked at the floor.

“Nadine I think it might be time to talk to Ali about how life has been for you since Elizabeth’s death” Dr. Warner suggested.

Nadine shifted so that she could pull one leg up on the couch so she could face Ali completely.

“First I need you to know that as much as it breaks my heart that you felt so...so…” Nadine paused and took another deep breath trying to keep her tears away. “It breaks my heart that you felt so lost that you tried to take your own life.”

Nadine’s voice cracked with emotion and she tried to swallow back the tears. She was having trouble being the strong one after spending the last month letting Henry be the strong one for her.

“I don’t judge you for it though,” Nadine explained. “I could never think anything different of you than I did before. You are and always will be my daughter and I love you more than life itself.”

Ali sniffled and wiped at her eyes. Nadine wanted to reach out again and hold her, but she knew she needed to explain everything without trying to hide in her mothering role.

“I thought that I was doing what was best for you and the rest of the family by keeping everything I was feeling a secret” Nadine explained. “I thought that your mom would want me to take care of the family no matter what and I couldn’t do that if you all knew how much I was truly suffering.”

Ali watched Nadine intensely listening. Nadine tried not to squirm under the scrutiny.

“I’ve been suffering immensely for months, Ali” Nadine explained. “I haven’t been handling my grief well because I haven’t been handling it at all. I’ve been completely lost since your mom died.”

Nadine took a few more deep breaths. This was a lot harder than she had imagined it would be. She knew it would be uncomfortable and emotional, but this was painful. Watching Ali watch her was difficult. She wanted to know what Ali was thinking and feeling. 

“I have nightmares, horrible nightmares” Nadine explained. “I have panic attacks and I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Anytime my body senses extreme feelings I throw up. Sometimes I lose track of what is real and what isn’t and I have to be reminded of what has happened. I’ve even forgotten your mom is dead and had to be told again and again. It's painful and scary and completely horrendous to witness.”

Nadine stopped and looked down at her hands. 

“I wanted to protect you all from that,” Nadine continued. “Only recently did your dad help me see that I couldn’t take care of all of you if I let myself get sick. I have let myself get very sick. I’m getting better now, but I need you to understand that I have not handled anything well. You are not alone in feeling all of these horrible feelings. I need you to know that.”

Ali was fully crying now. Large tears poured down her face as she held herself tightly. Nadine looked at her and felt her lower lip begin to tremble.

“I’m sorry” Nadine whimpered.

Ali suddenly unwrapped her arms from herself and threw herself on Nadine. The force of Ali hugging her knocked her backwards and she tipped back onto the arm of the couch. She held Ali as tight as she could as Ali settled on top of Nadine. Ali buried her face in Nadine’s chest and Nadine rubbed her back slowly. Tears were falling down Nadine’s cheeks now and she tried to be comfortable just letting it happen. This was what needed to happen. She needed to let her kids see that she was suffering so that they could deal with their own pain without worrying about feeling alone.

“Ima” Ali whimpered. “I can’t believe you never told us...I can’t believe I didn’t notice. We love you, we would have taken care of you. Why didn’t you give us the chance to handle this as a family?”

“I needed to keep you safe,” Nadine explained. “I needed to keep you safe so I did the only thing my very sick mind could think and I kept everything inside. But...But you almost...because of it and…”

A loud sob escaped Nadine and she tried to hold it back. More came and she pulled Ali closer to her and brought one hand up to cover her mouth to stifle the sobs. Her daughter had almost died because she had felt so alone in her suffering. If Nadine had just been able to address her pain more openly maybe Ali wouldn’t have felt so alone. Maybe Ali wouldn’t have tried to take her own life.

“Please sweetheart” Nadine sobbed. “I love you so much. I can’t lose you. You can always come to me with anything. You can talk to me about anything. I need you to trust me to always help you, because I really can’t lose you.”

Ali began to sob in earnest and Nadine held her head to her chest. She ran her fingers through Ali’s hair and made shushing noises. She would fix this. She didn’t know how and she didn’t know when, but she would fix it. She had tried so hard to be the mom she thought they all needed and had messed everything up. Now it was time to be the mom she was and hope that that helped her family see that life had been hard, but they would all get through it. They would all get through this, she had to believe that.

“Ima” Ali whimpered. Ali sat up just enough so that she could look at Nadine’s face. “Please don’t ever leave us out again. It hurts me to know that you were hurting and none of us were there for you. I know what that feels like and I did have people there supporting me. I can't lose you either. You’re the only mom I have.”

Ali laid back down with her head on Nadine’s chest and Nadine hugged her. She really did need to do better. She had focused so much on being the mom that she thought Elizabeth would want her to be that she forgot that she was the only mom they had left. She owed these kids a chance to have a mom for as long as possible and she knew that if she kept keeping things inside she wouldn’t be there for very long. They would do better, all of them. She had amazing kids and an amazing partner. She just had to learn to trust them all with everything she was experiencing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a little late

Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days

One year since Elizabeth died. One year of grieving, one year of sorrow. One year of tears and sickness and pain. One year of learning to come back together as a family. One year of learning to love through loss. One year of different and new and hard. One year and they were coming back from the edge. One year and Nadine finally felt like she and her family might actually survive Elizabeth’s death.

There had been a lot of family conversation leading up to the anniversary about how they wanted to spend the day. There was going to be a public remembrance ceremony that Nadine decided she wasn’t comfortable attending. It was decided that Henry, Stevie, Blake, and Jason would attend while Nadine, Ali, Katie, and Becca stayed at the farm. The public ceremony was two days before the actual anniversary at Henry’s request. The night before the anniversary Henry and Nadine went by themselves to Elizabeth’s grave to spend time with her. It had been the first time in six months that they had been back to the grave. For the day of the family had decided that they wanted to just spend time together. Katie and Becca who had both spent the days leading up to the anniversary with the family offered to do their own thing away from the farm on the actual day. Nadine had appreciated their offering because it meant that she didn’t have to worry about being emotional in front of the two newest additions to the family.

Since Ali had told Nadine about her attempted suicide Nadine had found it difficult to have Ali so far away. They talked everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, but still Nadine found herself worrying more than before. She had taken the encouragement of sharing with Ali how things had been for her and talked to both Stevie and Jason. Stevie now insisted on talking to her everyday and Jason texted once every morning and once every night. At first it was too much and she felt like the child, not the parent, but Henry had helped her see that it was just what love looked like. Now she enjoyed the constant contact she had with the kids because it allowed her to feel them in her life while still allowing them to live their lives. Still she worried for them all and she figured that she would for the rest of her life.

Stevie had been working on a project and she had requested to show it to all of them on the anniversary. She had come to Nadine ahead of time and asked her permission. She had been collecting videos of Elizabeth from everyone and anyone she thought might have them. She had wanted to make sure that it would be okay with Nadine to watch them after her reaction at her birthday. After she had explained to all of the kids how things had been for her the past year it hadn’t taken much for them to put together the few instances where she had lied to them to protect them from seeing her pain. She felt guilty when Stevie asked her permission, but she immediately agreed. She knew the other kids and Henry would enjoy it and she wouldn’t take that from them. She didn’t know how she was going to react, but she was willing to try. She had only made one request; she wanted the video Elizabeth made for her birthday included.

They had all taken the morning easy. Nadine had been reluctant to get out of bed and slowly but surely each of the kids had come in and joined her and Henry in bed. She had never been aware that you could fit six people in their bed, but evidently with a lot of squishing and weird positions you could. By the time Jason was climbing in overtop of Blake and Stevie they were all laughing and giggling. 

After breakfast they all gathered in the living room to watch Stevie’s ‘surprise’. Nadine sat on the couch with Henry on one side and Ali on the other. Jason sat on the floor at Henry’s feet and Blake and Stevie shared the larger arm chair. When the first video popped up it was the video Elizabeth had made for her birthday. Elizabeth was sitting at her desk in the residence and she looked beautiful. Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing the pink blouse that Nadine had always loved. Nadine took a deep breath and tried to focus on happy thoughts.

“You okay” Henry asked in her ear.

Nadine nodded and gave him a small smile as Stevie pressed play.

“Nay, Happy Birthday!” Elizabeth said on the video. “I love you so much and I am so glad to have you in my life. You have changed my life so much and I can’t ever thank you enough for bringing this amount of happiness to me. You are beautiful and loving and kind and passionate. I love every part of you and I am so happy that I get to love you everyday. Happy Birthday darling! Seventy never looked so good!”

The video quickly transitioned into one of Elizabeth at the Easter Roll at The White House being goofy. Nadine took a deep breath and tried to steady her emotions. Elizabeth had always been affectionate and had never been shy to tell Nadine how much she loved her. Being able to see her say those things again was making Nadine want to scream and cry and rage at the injustice of never being able to hear her tell her how much she loved her. She closed her eyes and just listened to the next video while she took deep breaths. Henry put his arm around her and tucked her in a little closer and Ali slipped her hand in hers. 

“We can turn it off if you want” Henry whispered in her ear.

She hated that it affected her so much and it didn’t bother the others. She had known Elizabeth the least amount of time, but yet she was the one that couldn’t let go. It felt unfair to the others that everything was always about how Nadine would handle it now. This was the feeling she had hoped to avoid by keeping her feelings a secret. She tried to focus on the fact that if they didn’t love her so much they wouldn’t do so much to make sure she was okay. This was their way of loving her, letting her feel everything however she needed to. She opened her eyes and smiled at Henry.

“No, it’s okay” Nadine whispered. “I can do it.”

The videos were great. Stevie had obviously gone to a great deal of trouble to get videos from people. Some Nadine had seen before or had been in the room when they were taken. Others she hadn’t any idea existed or happened. Some were from before she knew Elizabeth and the family. Seeing a young Elizabeth with the kids when they were little made her smile. Then a video popped up and it was of her and Elizabeth. They were both dressed in gowns and they were standing in a hallway at The White House. They were holding tight to each other and Nadine’s face was tucked tightly into Elizabeth’s neck. They were swaying back and forth to music that was obviously added in to make the video not silent.

“Where did you get this” Nadine asked, emotion swelling in her throat.

“Umm...Dad took it,” Stevie said quietly. “Do you want me to pause it?”

Nadine realized that she was crying now and tried to take deep breaths as she felt her breathing start to get erratic. Henry must have nodded for Stevie to pause the video because the sound stopped. Henry rubbed her arm gently and put his head next to hers.

“Try to talk about it,” Henry whispered. 

Nadine swallowed and breathed deep a few more times before opening her eyes and looking around at the kids. They had such concern in their eyes that it made her love them so much more. They were good people. She and Elizabeth and Henry had raised good people and she loved that.

“That video…”Nadine said, her voice cracking. “That night was some big event at The White House. We were hosting a dignitary from another country who had been discussing the way that in his culture often people had relationships with multiple people. I was obviously only there as an advisor and your dad was there with your mom as a couple. When this dignitary started talking about this it drew attention and several people joined the conversation. It turned into a conversation about how disgusting it was for multiple people to be in relationships together and then someone made a comment about how horrible a person must be to push into someone else’s marriage.”

Nadine paused remembering what it felt like to hear those words. What it was like to stand there and listen to that group of people essentially call her a horrible person and attack the way that Elizabeth, Henry, and Nadine lived their lives.

“I couldn’t take it anymore and had excused myself. I made it as far as the hallway before I started crying” Nadine explained. “I don’t know how she got away so fast without causing a scene, but before I knew it she was at my side wrapping me in her arms. I cried in her arms while she told me they were all wrong. I didn’t know anyone else was there.”

“I followed after Elizabeth was gone a minute,” Henry explained. “When I saw the two of you I felt we might want that moment recorded because there were so few times where the two of you got to be together anywhere resembling public.”

“I’m glad you did,” Nadine said, kissing him gently on the lips. “Go ahead and press play.”

Stevie resumed the video and it transitioned to more videos. They laughed at some videos and everyone took a turn crying at a video they weren’t expecting to see or had forgotten existed. For Jason it was a video of his mom teaching him to hit a baseball. For Ali it was a video of her and Elizabeth cuddled in bed the morning after her prom. For Henry it was a video of Elizabeth looking directly at the camera heavily pregnant telling him she loved him and would always love him. The last video that popped up was of Elizabeth and Henry’s wedding. 

Elizabeth was so young and beautiful in her wedding dress. Nadine had seen pictures of their wedding, but she had never seen the video. Stevie had obviously pulled clips from different parts of the video. Elizabeth getting ready, Elizabeth walking down the aisle, Elizabeth and Henry saying ‘I do’. Then the video pulled back and it was the wedding video still playing, but now it was playing on the tv in their house when Elizabeth was still Secretary. Elizabeth was sitting in front of the tv watching the video play on the tv. She had obviously been talking because the video takes up halfway through her sentence.

“...for her. She deserves to have all of that too'' Elizabeth said in the video. “I want to see her dressed in white and walking down the aisle. I want to be able to stand there and watch her look happy in front of as many people as we could. I want to be able to tell her I love her and make a lifelong promise to never leave her. I want that for her and I wish that we could do it for real.”

Elizabeth turns to face the camera and smiles.

“What are you doing” Elizabeth laughs.

“I’m recording so if you ever chicken out when you have the chance you can’t” Stevie’s voice laughed through the video.

“Would you like me and your dad to marry Nadine” Elizabeth asked.

“I know how much you both love her and I know she loves you both” Stevie explained. “Of course if you could I would want you to marry her. She’s already like our second mom, it would just be a piece of paper, but I think it would mean a lot to her.”

The video ended and the screen went blank. Nadine knew she was crying and she could feel that the kids were all crying. It was too real. It was a reminder of everything they had all given up because Elizbeth wanted to be President and it was a reminder of what should have come when they were out of The White House. She snuggled into Henry and let him hold her tight.

“Marry me,” Henry said quietly.

“What” Nadine questioned.

“Marry me” Henry repeated more confidently.

“I...I…” Nadine stammered. 

“You don’t have to answer now,” Henry said. “Take your time and think about it. There’s nothing keeping us from being married now. We could do what we never would have been able to as the three of us. We can get legally married.”

Nadine hid her face in Henry’s neck and cried. She cried in earnest. Huge heaping sobs and she clung to him. She felt him crying and she held tighter. She wanted to marry him, but part of it felt wrong.

“It’s not fair,” Nadine sobbed. “I was supposed to go first. I was never supposed to outlive her. We were never supposed to have to do this without her.”

Henry ran his hands through Nadine’s hair as she cried. She felt other hands on her and she knew that the kids were trying to lend their support the best they could. She wanted to be able to comfort them, but she knew she couldn’t. 

“I know baby” Henry whispered. “We can still be happy. We can all still be happy. I know you miss her, but maybe we can honor her by living the way she would have wanted us to.”

Nadine let herself be comforted by her family. She didn’t respond to Henry’s question; she just let them all help her. She knew she had to give him an answer eventually and she wasn’t entirely sure why she was so hesitant, but she knew they would talk more at another time. For now she cried in the arms of the love of her life while her kids lent their support the best that they could. She could be happy she thought, if she was willing to try.


	16. Chapter 16

Three Hundred and Ninety-Nine Days

Last week Nadine had finally given Henry an answer to his question. She had gone back and forth and there had been a lot of tears. They had talked together and she had talked with the kids individually. The only one with reservations had been Nadine. She felt strange about making this commitment without Elizabeth. She was scared that she wouldn’t be enough for him. In the end she decided it was what Elizabeth would have wanted.

Today they were announcing it to the public. Henry’s assistant was going to be releasing a statement that she and Henry had drafted announcing their engagement. She hadn’t wanted to tell the public so soon, but Henry was adamant. He wanted to get married soon and he wanted to get telling the public out of the way so that they could freely look into a wedding. Nadine was still hesitant.

She was sitting with Henry in the living room when his phone rang. He picked it up and answered. Henry pulled his phone from his ear and Nadine looked at him. He placed the phone on speaker and looked at her.

“I’ve put you on speaker Samantha” Henry said into the phone to his assistant. 

Nadine gave him a funny look, but waited to hear what Samantha had to say.

“I have everything ready to release the statement the two of you have prepared” Samantha explained. “I’m going to release it in twenty minutes and I just wanted to call to make sure that you are both ready for me to do this.”

Nadine looked at Henry again and swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn’t want to be asked again. It was hard enough to agree the first time. Henry must have noticed that she was uncomfortable.

“Samantha let me and Nadine talk and I will call you back if we have changed our mind” Henry said and hung up the phone.

“Are you okay” Henry asked.

“I’m fine,” Nadine replied automatically.

“Hey” Henry scolded lightly. “We agreed no more of that.”

They had agreed months ago after her breakdown that she wasn’t allowed to say ‘I’m fine’ anymore. They had actually agreed as a family that none of them were allowed to say it. They had to all be honest with each other completely about how they were feeling. Henry had been especially adamant with Nadine about it, because it was so easy for her to slip into hiding her emotions. 

“I’m anxious,” Nadine replied.

“Why are you anxious” Henry asked.

“I’m worried what people will say,” Nadine explained. “I’m worried about opening up our small world to the public. I’m just learning to be happy again and I’m scared of what this change will bring.”

“Are you having second thoughts about getting married” Henry asked. 

Nadine turned her body on the couch so she was facing Henry completely and grabbed his hands.

“No, of course not” Nadine replied. “I love you and I want to marry you. I just wish we could do it in secret. I wish it could just be us and the people we care about and then nobody else would need to know.”

“You know we can’t do that,” Henry sighed.

“Why can’t we” Nadine pushed.

“You know that someone would find out eventually and when the news broke it would be crazy” Henry explained. “Also the kids and I get so much attention because of Elizabeth that anything I do becomes a topic of conversation in the news. We could never live freely without the public finding out eventually.”

Nadine hung her head as she felt tears of frustration fill her eyes. She hated how easily she became emotional these days and wanted to get back to the strong person she was before. She picked at the hem of her pants as she tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

“Hey,” Henry said, gently lifting her chin. “What is it?”

“It feels so out of my control” Nadine whined, angry at herself for the way her voice sounded.

Henry rotated them so that he could pull Nadine into his side. This was Henry’s favorite way of comforting Nadine. It allowed her to feel him completely and take comfort in his presence. It also allowed them to talk honestly without having to look at each other if they didn’t want to. Nadine had found that she liked it.

“Oh baby, I’m sorry that you feel like you’re not in control of this situation” Henry comforted. “I want to be able to live the rest of my life with you. I want to be able to go on vacations and not worry about who might see me hold your hand. I want to kiss you when we walk through the National Mall. I want to rent one hotel room when we travel. I want to freely be with you for all of the time we have left.”

Nadine nuzzled her head against Henry’s chest. She wanted that too. She wanted to be able to love Henry freely and openly. It was something she never thought would be a possibility. But she was scared.

“I love you,” Henry whispered.

“I love you,” Nadine replied.

“Should I call Samantha back and tell her not to release the statement” Henry asked.

Nadine knew she could say no. Part of her wanted to say no. She wanted to trust Henry though. He had been right so many times before and she knew he was right now. 

“No” Nadine whispered.

Henry held her tighter to his body and kissed the top of her head. She took a deep breath and snuggled closer again. She listened to Henry’s heartbeat and took comfort in the consistency and rhythm. It felt like home to her. He was home to her.

“Alright baby” Henry announced. “Let’s go make dinner.”

Henry pulled Nadine from the couch and dragged her along behind him to the kitchen. She wanted to curl up and go to sleep, but another one of their agreements was that she had to eat three meals a day. She had lost twenty pounds that she didn’t have to lose after Elizabeth died and before she opened up to Henry about how much she was suffering. She had gained about ten pounds back, but it hadn’t been easy. She still fought to have an appetite and it was even harder when she was emotional. So reluctantly she let Henry drag her to the kitchen and start handing her things from the fridge so they could start making dinner. 

They had planned the release of the announcement for evening time so that it would just barely make the evening news and then people would have to wait till the next morning to get it out in the papers. It also saved them from having to deal with the anxiety all day long. They could eat dinner and go to sleep and deal with whatever would come the next day. Nadine had gotten a prescription for a sleeping pill that she intended to take so that she could have a good night sleep before the announcement really hit the news.

Henry had turned on music and was now goofily dancing around while grabbing a cutting board and knife and she couldn’t help but smile at him. He was the love of her life and as much as she missed Elizabeth she was so glad to have Henry. She wanted to be able to spend every minute of the rest of her life loving this man and she was so glad that she was going to be able to. As much as her anxiety lingered in the pit of her stomach, right this second she was happy.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I failed to give you a chapter yesterday here is a second one for today.

Four Hundred Days

Nadine had been right in the end. They shouldn’t have released the statement. When they woke up the morning after releasing it she immediately wanted to turn on the news. She had a sinking feeling and needed to see for herself. Henry however had turned his phone off and hers and insisted they relax for a while before actually watching anything. She had let him wait for an hour before she turned on the tv in their bedroom. As the station came on a news reporter sat on the screen as the ticker tape under her read “Former First Gentleman To Marry Late Wife’s Chief of Staff.” A picture of her and Henry at some function back in Elizabeth’s Secretary days flashed on the screen and the news reporter began talking about how quickly Henry moved on. Henry reached over and yanked the remote from her hands and turned it off.

Three hours later and Henry had been holed up in the office with Samantha and Nadine was sitting on the couch in the living room watching the TV. She had gone from news station to new station listening to everything they were saying about her and Henry. She had landed now on one of the daytime talk shows. She had curled up with her knees tucked close to her chest as she listened to them dissect her and Henry and Elizabeth for the world to hear. 

“Plenty of people remarry after only a year” the red headed woman on the TV said. “Why is it so strange that Doctor McCord would remarry after President McCord's death?”

“Well it’s not that he’s remarrying really it’s who he’s remarrying” the blonde replied.

“She’s definitely older than him and appeared to be a close friend of the late President McCord” the brunette added.

“It does call a lot of things into question” the blonde replied.

“Nadine Tolliver is not new to being in the news” the red head explained. “She has been the right hand for a President, two Secretaries of State and a Senator. This isn’t some woman he picked up at the grocery store.”

“But still after President McCord died we all saw how much Doctor McCord grieved and I’m just wondering when he stopped grieving his wife and started courting a new one” the blonde added.

“The timeline is awfully short” the brunette said suggestively.

Nadine grabbed the remote and changed the channel. She flipped angrily from channel to channel. Each channel where news or informational shows might be showing there were pictures of her or Henry or Elizabeth. Captions like “First Gentleman Moves On” and “Chief of Staff Takes Place of the Late President McCord in First Gentleman’s Heart” and “One Year In The Grave And President McCord’s Family Moves On.”

She finally threw the remote across the room and it settled on one of the more gossipy news stations. A blonde woman sat behind a desk reading off a teleprompter. Shockingly she wasn’t talking about Henry and Nadine. Nadine watched absentmindedly until the ‘Breaking News’ banner flashed across the screen. The screen returned to the blonde reporter and then a picture flashed up on the side of the screen of Nadine. The banner at the bottom of the screen read “Stamp A Read A on Nadine Tolliver’s Chest.” Nadine was frozen as she listened and watched.

“I have breaking news on the story we have all been following since last night” the blonde reporter began. “Former First Gentleman Doctor Henry McCord announced last night that he was engaged to be married to Nadine Tolliver. You may remember Nadine Tolliver as she was the late President McCord’s Chief of Staff while she was Secretary of State and then was an advisor while she was President. You also may remember that Ms. Tolliver lived with the McCord’s in the residence at The White House during President McCord’s presidency.”

Nadine had a sick feeling in her stomach. She knew this was only getting worse. She felt so worn out and she knew she should just turn the TV off, but she couldn’t. The kids had been calling her all day and she had refused to answer. She had texted each of them an apologized for the fall out and telling them that she was fine. She knew that was probably only worrying them more, but she couldn’t handle talking to them right now.

“We have recently received more information about Nadine Tolliver,” the blonde continued. “It appears that while she was Chief of Staff to the late Secretary Vincent Marsh she was carrying on an affair with him. Secretary Marsh was married at the time and their affair took place while he was a Senator and then while he was Secretary. It appears she was his mistress up until his death in the tragic plane crash.”

How did they find out about that? Nadine was reeling. There was a very select number of people who had known that she and Marsh had an affair. She ran through the list in her head and couldn’t imagine who would betray her and tell the press. There must be someone she wasn’t accounting for. 

“With this new information about Nadine Tolliver and Secretary Marsh on has to ask when exactly did Ms. Tolliver and Doctor McCord begin their relationship” the blonde speculated. “Was she really a friend of President McCord’s living in The White House or was she really Doctor McCord’s mistress living in close proximity to make things easier for him to break his marriage vows.”

Nadine felt like she was going to be sick. This was worse than anything she could have ever imagined. She couldn’t imagine what people would think of her. All of the people she had been friends with for decades would see this. Her family would see this, what little she had left. Roman would see this. Her stomach rolled and she jumped from the couch and ran for the small downstairs bathroom. She slammed the bathroom door open and fell to the floor in front of the toilet. She threw up until her stomach clenched horribly at its emptiness. 

She felt someone put their hand gently on her back and then she felt a hand in her hair brushing it away from her face. She knew it was Henry because the only other person in the house was Samantha and she wouldn’t dare cross the line of propriety. Nadine let Henry help her sit back and then let him use a towel to clean the hair that she hadn’t been able to keep out of the way. He wiped her mouth and then her forehead. 

Her emotions rolled through her like a rollercoaster. She was angry and scared and sad all at the same time. She was embarrassed and shameful and lost. These feelings rolled over her one after another not giving her enough time to breathe or understand anything. She felt like she would be sick again, but knew she had nothing left in her stomach. She wanted to cry, but even that didn’t seem possible for her right now. She just wanted to be held, but when Henry reached for her she pulled away. She didn’t want him, she wanted Elizabeth.


	18. Chapter 18

Four Hundred Days

Nadine felt crowded on the bathroom floor. When she had pulled away from Henry he had moved closer to her making her feel trapped between the wall and him. She didn’t know why, but she wanted to get up and get away from him. She was feeling so many things that she was having trouble rationalizing her thoughts. She closed her eyes tightly and put both her hands up in front of her palms facing Henry in a sign of needing space. She hoped he would understand not to push her any further.

“Baby, what’s going on” Henry asked.

Nadine didn’t dare answer him. Her conflicting emotions were starting to settle down into a few very strong emotions and she was scared to open her mouth as she wasn’t sure what she would say. 

“Baby talk to me” Henry pushed. “Are you okay? You haven’t done this in a while. I know today is not going how we…”

“Stop it” Nadine snapped.

Nadine was taking deep breaths trying to center herself. She opened her eyes to look at Henry and saw the confusion in his face. Instead of feeling bad she just felt angrier. She wanted to scream and rant and rave. She was so mad she couldn’t remember the last time she had felt this. She pushed off the ground and stood up. Henry toppled backward onto the ground from his squatting position as she brushed past him.

“Wait,” Henry said, standing to follow her. “What is going on?”

Nadine stopped and turned back at Henry.

“What do you think is going on Henry” Nadine snapped. “Have you heard what they’re saying about me?”

“No, I’ve been trying to just focus on the inquiries that are coming in” Henry responded.

“We shouldn’t have done this,” Nadine explained. “I told you I didn’t want to do this and you said it would be fine.”

“That’s not fair,” Henry replied. “You agreed to release the statement. We both knew that there would be talk.”

“It’s not talk” Nadine snipped. “They are all discussing us. The whole world is talking about us Henry.”

“It’s not that bad,” Henry began.

“You haven’t been listening to what they’re saying” Nadine responded. “You just admitted that you weren’t watching the news. I’ve seen it all morning. I’ve heard what they have to say about me.”

“About us,” Henry replied.

“No Henry, about me,” Nadine replied. “You are just the husband and they do question the speed with which this happened, but it’s not in disgust of your actions.”

Henry took a step toward her and she backed away. She didn’t want him to touch her. She had never felt like this towards Henry, but right now it felt like being defensive was the only thing keeping her alive. She needed to fight, she needed to fight everything or anything. 

“Will you just stop for a second and tell me exactly what has you so worked up” Henry asked with a sigh.

“They found out about me and Vincent” Nadine screamed. “They reported that I was his mistress and that if I slept with him while I was married that I must have been sleeping with you while you were married to Elizabeth. They put a picture of me on the screen with a big red A. They called me the mistress over and over again. They speculated that I wasn’t even Elizabeth’s friend and that I was kept in The White House for your pleasure.”

“Nadine” Henry cooed sympathetically. 

“Don’t” Nadine yelled. “Don’t do that. Do you have any idea how hard I worked to achieve what I did in life? Do you know how much I tried to work to make up for the fact that I was Vincent’s mistress? Do you have any idea what it was like to hide everything that was important to me for years? Nothing I ever accomplished mattered today because all they saw was some floozy who slept her way to the top. Everything I worked for was just thrown out today.”

Henry tried to reach out for her and she jerked away.

“Don’t touch me” Nadine snapped.

“Why won’t you let me touch you” Henry asked. “I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. I understand…”

“You don’t understand anything,” Nadine replied. “You’re a man you can’t possibly understand how I’m feeling right now.”

“I know I’m not Elizabeth, Nadine” Henry replied. “I know I can never be as important to you as Elizabeth, but I am trying to be here for you.”

Nadine felt like she’d been slapped. She couldn’t believe Henry would say any of that. How could he think for one second that he wasn’t as important to her as Elizabeth was. 

“I never said that,” Nadine breathed. “How can you even say that?”

“You don’t have to say it” Henry replied. “I see it. I see it in the way you long for her every minute of every day. I see it in the way that you wish for her and only her when you are upset. Yes sometimes you can be comforted by me, but I can always see that you look for her before you remember she isn’t here. I see that I am not Elizabeth and can never be that person for you, but I still love you. I have always loved you equal to how I loved Elizabeth. I just want to be able to support you.”

Nadine felt the anger leaving her body. She had no more fight left. Everything was falling apart and she felt like she had lost all control. She looked at Henry and didn’t recognize the man standing in front of her. He looked so sad and so dejected that she felt her heart breaking at the thought that her actions brought him to this. This whole time he had felt like she loved him less than she loved Elizabeth. She couldn’t believe she had been so blind to not see the pain she was causing him.

“I miss Elizabeth” whispered. “I do miss her every minute of every day and I loved her more than I had ever loved someone before. She saved me from myself when I didn’t think I was worth saving. She built me back up after Vincent died and everything he had done came to light. Elizabeth was my safe place, but Henry I never loved her more than I loved you. When Elizabeth brought me home with this idea of the three of us getting closer I knew how special you were to me. I loved you because I loved Elizabeth and Elizabeth loved you. As time went on I found that my love for you was separate from Elizabeth and I loved you in a way I had never loved a man. I always want Elizabeth and I probably always will, because that is what I have known for over ten years, but that will never mean that I don’t want you just as much.”

Nadine felt tired and her body ached to lie down. She wanted to go to bed. When Henry didn’t respond she took a shuddering breath and walked past him up the stairs. If she couldn’t make him see the truth she wouldn’t force him. They never should have tried to change things. They could have been happy if they had just never brought up marriage. None of this would have come up. She curled up on their bed and wrapped and afghan around her. It was summer and it should be warm, but she only felt cold. She stared blankly out the window and let her mind go as blank as she could.


	19. Chapter 19

Four Hundred and Eleven Days

Nadine hadn’t left their bed for eleven days. The only time she did was to go to the bathroom. She had only showered once when Stevie had dragged her in and put her under the spray before she could truly fight back. In all honesty she didn’t have the energy to fight back. She spent most of her day just lying in bed staring at nothing. Sometimes she would turn the TV on just to see what new things they were saying about her. Anytime Henry or one of the kids saw her watching they would turn it off. She didn’t fight them. She could tell Henry was starting to get upset, but she didn’t have the energy to fight him. She was just too tired to fight anymore.

The coverage of her and Henry’s engagement had only gotten worse in the last week. More information about Nadine’s past had been dug up and people she had pissed off over the years had come out of the woodwork to tell stories that were mostly false. She was being drug through the mud and she had lost everything that she had ever worked for. All she had left were the kids and Henry and she wasn’t sure she had Henry. After their fight she hadn’t had the energy to talk to him about it and he didn’t seem eager to try and make her. Sometimes he would come and sit in bed with her, but they never talked. He slept next to her at night, but Nadine wouldn’t let him touch her.

The kids had taken turns coming home to try and help her. She couldn’t do what they wanted her to do though. They tried to get her to get up, but she was too tired. They tried to get her to eat, but she wasn’t hungry. They tried to get her to talk, but she had nothing to say. She would just lay there next to them when they came in to be with her. They would curl up with her or hold her in their arms, but she never fought back or reciprocated. She was too tired.

She heard someone come in the room, but she didn’t move. She had become accustomed to people coming in and out of the room without question. She felt the bed dip next to her and she waited. The person would either announce themselves or not and she wasn’t partial to either.

“Baby” Henry whispered.

Nadine didn’t expect it to be Henry. He didn’t usually come to visit her this late in the day. He would usually wait until bedtime and come in and get ready before getting silently into bed with her for the night. 

“Baby, can you look at me” Henry prompted.

Nadine didn’t feel like looking at him. She didn’t even know why he was talking to her. He had been clear about what he thought their relationship had become and even though she had tried to explain she felt like she had failed. She felt like she had lost the last piece of normal she had left and she didn’t know how to go on without someone to depend on.

Henry’s hand came to rest on her shoulder and she startled at the contact. He hadn’t touched her in eleven days and she didn’t mind the contact, but it surprised her. His hand felt warm on her shoulder and she wanted to turn to look at him, but she didn’t have the energy. He rubbed her shoulder gently and she made a small humming sound.

“Baby, I’m going into DC tonight to stay at Stevie and Blake's,” Henry explained. “Ali is here and she said she can sleep in here with you if you want.”

So he was finally leaving her. She had thought that eventually it would be too much for him. She was surprised that he was leaving the farm though. She thought for sure that if he was going to leave her that he would make her go somewhere else and he would stay at the farm. She had thought about what she would do if Henry kicked her out and she never could decide what she would do. Maybe it was time to start thinking about it again.

Henry kissed her on the side of her head and got off the bed. She heard him rustling around the room for a while and she figured he was packing. She didn’t move to watch him; she just continued to stare blankly out the window. When the noise stopped she waited to hear him leave the the room.

“If you need me, call me,” Henry said. “I love you.”

She listened to him walk away and hummed to herself. Did he still love her? She still loved him. She loved him so much it hurt, but everything hurt right now. Why did everything hurt? She knew there was a reason she was feeling this way, but she couldn’t put it into words. She knew she should remember, but she didn’t. The sound of steps heading back towards her room made her curious. Was Henry coming back for something he had forgotten? When the bed dipped she knew it wasn’t Henry.

“Ima, when was the last time you got up and went to the bathroom” Ali asked quietly.

She felt less need for the restroom because she didn’t put much into her body. The only time she ate or drank anything was if one of them forced her to. Sometimes she couldn’t even feed herself or hold a glass. She knew she should be scared, but she just felt numb. When she got no response Ali pulled Nadine gently from her side onto her back. Her vision lazily fell on Ali and she could see how tired she was. She wondered if that was because of her.

“I’m scared Ima” Ali said looking down at Nadine.

Nadine could feel the tug at her heart that statement brought. She was tired, but she brought her hand up and gently swept it down Ali’s cheek. She knew she should do more, but she found she couldn't make herself move anymore. She kept her arm up as long as she could before she dropped it back to the bed. Ali scooted down and laid herself on Nadine’s shoulder. Nadine wanted to hold her to her body and tell her everything would be okay, but she didn’t believe that anymore. She wouldn’t lie to her kids anymore. She couldn’t lie to her kids anymore. 

“Ima, please don’t leave us” Ali whispered, cuddling in tighter to Nadine and draping her arm across Nadine’s middle.

She didn’t want to leave them. She didn’t want to leave any of them. Something in her mind was telling her that she didn’t deserve to stay though. Something was telling her that they would be better off without her. She couldn’t help but look at all the trouble she had brought upon them and wish that she could take it away. Maybe if she wasn’t here then her family could be happy again.


	20. Chapter 20

Four Hundred and Twelve Days

Nadine woke up to an empty bed. It wasn’t uncommon now for her to wake up and not know where anyone was. She pulled herself heavily from the bed and staggered to the bathroom. She was lightheaded and her stomach grumbled. When she was done in the bathroom she headed back to the bedroom and flopped on the bed. She curled back up and closed her eyes.

She heard Ali come in the room and felt her sit on the side of the bed. She heard her set something on the nightstand on the other side of the bed. Then Ali was close to her and she opened her eyes.

“Good morning,” Ali said quietly. 

Nadine tried to give Ali a small smile, but she wasn’t sure how convincing it was. Her head was clouded and even laying down she was dizzy. She closed her eyes for a minute and then opened them again. Ali ran her hand gently against Nadine’s forehead. 

"You have to eat Ima," Ali said.

Ali made Nadine sit up and grabbed the plate. It had small bits and pieces of fruit and cheese and crackers. Nadine found that she didn’t have the energy to lift her hands to grab the food. Ali picked up a cracker and put it to Nadine's mouth. Nadine opened her mouth and let Ali feed her. She ate a few things like that until Ali put the juice to her mouth and she drank some. She would never have imagined allowing one of her kids to feed her, but now she didn’t seem to care.

Ali kept looking at her watch and Nadine was curious what was happening. Ali had never been a time sensitive person, She only wore the watch because it was Elizabeth’s and after she died Nadine had put it on Ali’s wrist. Nadine hadn’t seen Ali without it since. Still she was curious what she was forgetting that was causing Ali to be so time sensitive.

“I’m going to turn the TV on Ima,” Ali said. “I want you to watch something with me.”

Nadine didn’t feel like watching the TV. They had all been so adamant that she not watch anything on the TV and now Ali was wanting her to watch something. It felt like she was being tricked. The TV flicked on and Ali tuned into one of the morning shows. As Nadine focused on the TV she recognized the show as one of the Sunday morning shows. She didn’t know it was Sunday.

Ali was sitting up next to her and Nadine was watching the TV. They were talking about something that was completely meaningless and she was curious why Ali wanted her to watch it. It didn’t seem to be something either of them would have any interest in and Ali didn’t do things for no reason. She tried to be patient and let the show go on to see if there was a reason Ali was being so strange. Then it happened the screen panned out and there was Henry sitting on the panel with the two hosts. 

“Now we welcome former First Gentleman Henry McCord,” the male host said. “Doctor McCord welcome. Thank you for joining us this morning.”

“Thank you for having me,” Henry replied.

“Now Doctor McCord we weren’t told exactly what this interview was to be about so you have us a little out of depth here today” the female host joked. “I presume you’ve come to make a comment about your recent engagement announcement.”

“Yes that is why I’m here today” Henry replied.

“Your announcement had caused quite the stir,” the male host added. “Care to comment on some of the information that has come to light about your fiancé?”

“My fiancé has a name,” Henry replied coldly. “Her name is Nadine Tolliver. She served this country in public service for thirty years and she deserves a lot more respect than what she has been given in the media since the announcement.”

“What is he doing” Nadine asked.

“Just watch,” Ali instructed.

“You have to understand the surprise that most people are feeling” the female host defended. “This came quite out of the blue for most people. I mean Ms. Tolliver had been a friend of the late President.”

“I don’t have to understand anything,” Henry began. “I think it is time the media and the public understand some things.”

Both hosts sat back quite stunned at Henry’s attitude.

“Nadine and I have known each other for about thirteen years” Henry began. “We met when my late wife became Secretary of State. Nadine had served as the late Vincent Marsh’s Chief of Staff while he was Secretary. My wife kept her on as Chief of Staff and through that position they became friends.”

Nadine didn’t understand what Henry was trying to accomplish. 

“Nadine is an amazingly hard working person. She dedicated herself to her job for her whole career and even when she stepped away from full-time work and became a consultant to my wife during her presidency Nadine gave everything of herself to it. She is smart and kind and beautiful. I love her with my whole heart and so did my wife.”

“He’s not going to,” Nadine gasped. 

She looked at Ali in horror.

“Please tell me he’s not going to,” Nadine begged.

“My late wife and I were in a relationship with Nadine for ten years when Elizabeth died” Henry explained. “We lived together as a family and with Elizabeth gone we are continuing to live as a family. This relationship is just as new to Nadine and I as it is to all of you. We are learning to live and love without the other person who we loved so completely.”

“Are you saying that you and the late president were in a polygamist relationship with Ms. Tolliver” the female host scoffed.

“No, we are not polygamists,” Henry replied. “We were in a polyamorous relationship. I love my late wife and Nadine wholly and completely and Elizabeth and Nadine each loved each other wholly and completely. We were equals in our relationship and we all loved each other.”

“You have to admit this is shocking information” the male host added.

“Yes, I can understand that to many people this will be shocking” Henry explained. “However the reason I am telling you this is because it was what my late wife had wanted to do when she left office. She had wanted our family to be able to live and love openly and freely. We have suffered a great tragedy in losing Elizabeth and we as a family have spent the last year learning to live our lives without her. Nadine and I’s desire to marry comes from Elizabeth’s dream. We want to live our lives openly and freely.”

“Doctor McCord, I have to ask, you are talking a lot for Ms. Tolliver and yet she is not here to share her feelings on this matter” the female host questioned. “Are you speaking for her at her request?”

“No, I am not speaking for her at her request, though I believe that I have not said anything that she would not agree with” Henry explained. “The reason she is not here is because she has not left our bed for a week and a half. My fiancé has suffered greatly in the time since Elizabeth’s death. She has been battling depression and PTSD. Last week she watched as the media and the public drug her through the mud over her past. It was too much for her to cope with.”

Nadine covered her face when she saw Henry pause and swallow hard. She knew he was trying not to become overly emotional and it made her want to cry. He was doing this for her.

“The woman I love is lying at home in our bed barely willing to move” Henry continued. “She doesn’t want to eat, she won’t talk, she does nothing but stare at the wall. So I am here to tell the world that their judgments and their comments and their false accusations about Nadine and I’s relationship have had an effect. These reactions and comments have been heard and they have crushed an extremely caring and strong woman. I’m here to ask the public to take a second and think before they say things, because you can’t ever know what someone else is going through.”

“We have to take a small break” the female host almost whispered. “I think when we come back your daughter Stevie will be joining us.”

The show went to commercial and Nadine looked at Ali. Ali wouldn’t look at her and Nadine felt bad that Ali was afraid of how she would react. She reached out and grabbed Ali’s hand. She knew her breaths were coming in gasps as she tried to control the tears that were coming. Ali looked up at the contact and her eyes were shimmering with tears. Nadine wanted to comfort her, but she was so overwhelmed all she could do was look to Ali for comfort herself. Ali seemed to understand and wrapped her arms around Nadine. She pulled her tightly to her chest and Nadine let herself be comforted. She cried into Ali’s chest while Ali rubbed her back.

“We’re back with Doctor McCord and his daughter Stevie Moran has joined us,” the male host announced. 

Nadine turned her head so that she could see the TV, but didn’t leave Ali’s embrace.

“Ms. Moran were you aware of your parents relationship with Ms. Tolliver” the male host asked.

“Yes, me and my siblings have been aware of their relationship since shortly after they entered into it” Stevie explained. “However, when you say my parents I think you should understand that I consider all three of them my parents as do my siblings. We call Nadine, Ima, and she is just as much our mother as my mom was.”

“You were already an adult when your parents began their relationship” the female host commented. “How is it that you consider Ms. Tolliver a parent?”

“Ima, came into our lives and changed everything,” Stevie explained. “From the beginning she took the time to form relationships with each of us. She has been there for every up and every down I have had for the last ten years. She sat with me through breakups and set me up with my husband. She sat in the front row at my wedding and helped me set up our first apartment. When my mother died and my husband and I were injured Ima stayed in our hospital room everyday until we were released. She is my mother and I love her just as much as I loved my biological mother. The things that people have said about her in the last few days have been appalling. My family has served this country in public service for decades. My mother lost her life during her service to this country. I would hope that his country would hold some amount of understanding for our family and respect the love and life we live.”

“The images you are seeing on the screen now have been provided by the McCord family” the female host interrupted.

Images of Nadine, Henry, and Elizabeth began flashing across the screen. Some had the kids and others were just them. There were some pictures of just Nadine and Elizabeth and some of just Nadine and Henry. Nadine couldn’t take it anymore.

“Turn it off” Nadine whispered.

Ali immediately turned it off and then wrapped her arms back around Nadine.

“Ima are you okay” Ali asked.

“I don’t want to hear what the hosts have to say,” Nadine explained. “I just want your dad to come home.”

Ali rubbed her back and kissed her head. 

“Do you want me to call Blake and tell him to have dad come straight home when they’re done” Ali asked.

Nadine nodded her head and Ali reached for her phone. 

“Blake, I know dad is still doing the interview, but when he’s done can you tell him that Ima wants him to come home” Ali said into the phone.

“She’s okay,” Ali said. “She just wants dad.”

Ali hung up the phone.

“He says he’ll have dad in the SUV and headed home the second they're done,” Ali said.

Nadine needed to see Henry. She needed him. She couldn’t believe he had done that for her. He had gone on national television and defended her and told the world about their relationship. He really did love her and she couldn’t believe she had doubted that for a second. She held tightly to Ali as a new round of tears came over her. She just needed Henry to come home and everything would be okay again. She just needed to hold on a little longer.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in the story. Been a bumpy couple of days health wise. Hope to be back to posting now. Trying to finish this story up for y'all.

Four Hundred and Thirteen Days

When Henry had finally gotten home he had come and gotten into bed with Nadine. They had cried and talked and cried some more. Nadine finally agreed to have Dr. Warner come out to see her. Dr. Warner had made a special trip and had given Nadine new medications. She had talked to Jason on the phone briefly and Ali had fielded all of her calls and messages. She had eaten whatever Henry had asked her to and showered with his assistance. Through it all she held onto him. She wouldn’t let him out of her sight. She had finally realized what she needed. Elizabeth had always been her rock. The one person who made her feel confident and safe and strong. She had never had to lean on Henry like that when Elizabeth was alive. Now she had realized that Henry could be that for her too. He had gone out and done something for her that she couldn’t do for herself. He was the strong one now and she needed him. She felt safe with him and she felt loved. Knowing that she had Henry wholly and completely on her side she felt for the first time since Elizabeth died like she could live again.

Nadine had slept completely wrapped in Henry’s arms. One of the prescriptions that Dr. Warner had prescribed her was meant to let her sleep. The only way she had agreed to take it was if Henry held her and promised not to leave. When she had woken up and he was still wrapped around her she felt so safe and loved that it had started her crying again. She feared that she had taken a very big step back in her recovery and she was trying not to be disappointed in herself. Henry had simply opened his eyes and kissed her forehead and let her cry into him. Now they were sitting downstairs on the porch lounger wrapped under a blanket together. It was the first time she had been downstairs in almost two weeks.

“Do you want to talk about what happened this last week” Henry asked quietly.

Stevie and Blake had gone home after coming back with Henry and Ali was still asleep upstairs. They were alone downstairs, but she appreciated the quiet. Nadine looked up at Henry and cuddled further into his chest.

“I don’t know,” Nadine whispered.

“You don’t know what happened or you don’t know if you want to talk about it” Henry asked.

“Both I guess” Nadine replied.

“You really scared me,” Henry whispered.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Henry” Nadine replied.

“Why don’t you try to talk about it” Henry encouraged.

Nadine snuggled into Henry and he tightened his grip on her a bit. She was already as close as she could get to him, but sometimes it made her feel better to try and burrow further. Sometimes she felt like she couldn’t get close enough.

“They were saying everything I had always thought about myself” Nadine began quietly. “I just…”

Nadine took a deep breath to steady herself. She could feel herself getting emotional and she wanted to be able to talk to Henry without losing control.

“I just couldn’t bear it all,” Nadine continued. “They were right about so many things and then everything else felt so realistic. I couldn’t cope with everyone knowing everything I had done with Vincent.”

Henry tightened his grip around Nadine and she let herself be held closer.

“They weren’t right about so many things Nadine” Henry comforted. “They had no right to say anything about your relationship with Marsh. I’m sorry that information was shared. I don’t think anyone important thinks any less of you for knowing about it though. People have been calling and messaging you since yesterday.”

“I don’t think I can face them,” Nadine replied. “So many of them respected me for all those years and now I don’t know how they still could.”

“Why would you think they couldn’t respect you anymore” Henry asked.

“Because they know about Marsh and about our relationship” Nadine replied. “And they know how incapable I am of taking care of myself.”

“Why would they think you’re incapable of taking care of yourself” Henry asked.

“You told everyone how sick I was and I don’t know how anybody will ever look at me the same again” Nadine replied. “All those years and I never let anyone see my weakness and now…”

“I’m sorry” Henry replied. “I shouldn’t have shared that. I was just scared for you and I wanted everyone to understand how much they were affecting our lives and our health. I shouldn’t have said anything without your agreement, but you couldn't give it. I still don’t think that people will look at you differently.”

“How could they not” Nadine said, pulling away from Henry.

“Because they care about you” Henry responded. “The people that matter, the people that care about you, this won’t change their view of you. It might make some of them concerned for you, but that isn’t a bad thing. It’s nice to have people around that care about you.”

“I don’t like being weak,” Nadine replied quietly.

“You’re not weak” Henry replied. “I know how bad you have been feeling and I can imagine that things are very unpleasant in your mind right now, but through all of that you have held on. You fought to stay here with us and try and keep us all going for as long as you could. That’s not something a weak person would do.”

Nadine let Henry pull her back into his body. She listened to his heartbeat in his chest and took slow deep breaths.

“I want us to get through this together,” Henry said. “I want to help you through this. I want to be able to have my Nadine back. I miss her and she hasn’t been here in a while.”

“I miss her too,” Nadine replied. “I don’t like the person I am now.”

“We’ll work on it together,” Henry explained. “Whatever you need, whatever we have to do, we’ll do it together. What is the thing that bothers you most about life right now?”

“I hate how out of control my emotions feel,” Nadine answered.

“Have you talked to Dr. Warner about it,” Henry asked.

“A little,” Nadine replied.

“Alright well that’s step one” Henry began. “Talk to her and maybe she can help you find some ways to cope with it. There could be a lot of ways to help you feel more in control. But I want you to know it’s okay to feel upset and to cry. Sometimes we just need to cry.”

“You don’t cry,” Nadine replied.

“I do,” Henry said quietly.

Nadine pulled back a little to look up at Henry.

“I haven’t let myself cry in front of you because I could see how much you were suffering and I didn’t want to add to it,” Henry explained.

“For how long” Nadine asked.

“Since Blake and Stevie moved out” Henry replied. “When you wouldn’t get out of bed after they left I finally realized that it wasn’t just grief anymore. I was worried about you, but you didn’t want to talk about it. I figured the best I could do was just be there for you and hide anything from you that might be upsetting. I should have done more then.”

Nadine’s chin trembled and she tried not to let the tears that filled her eyes fall. 

“Oh Henry” Nadine whimpered.

Henry pulled her tight to him again and kissed her on the top of the head. She sniffled and took a deep shuddering breath. 

“I’m sorry” Nadine whispered.

“No, don’t be sorry” Henry replied. “I should be the one that is sorry.”

“Maybe we’re both sorry” Nadine replied quietly. “Maybe we both need to do better with each other. We don’t have Elizabeth to help us with our feelings anymore. We’re going to have to do better to be for each other what Elizabeth was for each of us.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Henry said.

Nadine tipped her head up and Henry looked down at her. She leaned up and kissed him gently on the lips.

“No matter what I don’t ever want to lose you” Nadine said.

“We won’t lose each other,” Henry replied. “I’m yours baby.”

“And I’m yours” Nadine replied.


	22. Chapter 22

Four Hundred and Seventy-Four Days

Once Nadine had started to feel better they had started talking about when they wanted to get married. Henry had suggested setting the wedding for November, for their anniversary, but Nadine didn’t want to. That was their anniversary with Elizabeth and she wanted to have an anniversary just with Henry. They agreed that they didn’t want to wait long, so they decided they would do it the first weekend that their family was available. So the first weekend in September everything was set up and the guests were all there. Today was Nadine and Henry’s wedding day.

Nadine had never been more nervous in her entire life and she had met almost every head of state. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was nervous about. It was a small group that would be there. Mostly friends and family who had known about their relationship before and some who hadn’t but had been close to all three of them. In total there were only about thirty guests and they had agreed to let one reporter attend to document it. They also had their own photographer, but they figured they were going to be bothered no matter what by the media. At least by picking their own member of the media to attend they had some control over the situation.

After Henry’s interview the media went crazy. There were reactions that ran the spectrum from full support to utter disgust. Henry banned the TV and internet and they only returned phone calls of people they knew. They got a lot of supportive mail from people all over the world, but with it came death threats and other nasty things. They hired another assistant to help Samantha go through the mail that the Secret Service didn’t weed out. The death threats were being followed up on and for the most part Nadine remained ignorant of it. Henry had kept most of the details from her and had only told her that there were unpleasant things being received. She was happy to accept that for now. She knew eventually she would be ready to be completely involved in the world again, but for now she was perfectly happy to be secluded completely.

Nadine was standing in the living room with the three kids waiting for the ceremony to begin. Stevie and Ali were her bridesmaids and Jason was going to ‘give her away.’ She was standing very still with her hands clenched tightly while the kids talked around her. She had her eyes closed and she was taking slow deep breaths. She had been working with Dr. Warner on calming mechanisms to help her not lose control of her emotions as frequently. She noticed the kids get quiet, but she continued her deep breaths. She felt someone step close in front of her and hands gripped both her upper arms. 

“Ima” Stevie said quietly close to her face. “You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

She took Stevie’s words in and tried to let them settle. This was another thing that she had been working on. Her brain constantly told her how wrong everything was and how wrong she was. Dr. Warner had been working with her on trusting other people’s view of her and situations over her own. Often if she ignored the scared voice in her head and listened to the loving voices of her family she was able to stay focused in the moment. So she focused on Stevie’s voice.

“The day is beautiful,” Stevie continued quietly. “Everyone here cares about you. We love you. Dad loves you.”

The words washed over Nadine and she took them in. She leaned forward and let her forehead settle against Stevie’s shoulder. Stevie shifted her arms around Nadine and gently rubbed her back.

“Today will go well,” Stevie continued. “Mom would think you looked beautiful. You are beautiful. Everything is okay. I love you.”

Nadine finally took one last deep breath and blew it out slowly as she pulled back from Stevie. She opened her eyes and looked up at Stevie. She smiled and Stevie smiled back. Stevie really was the most amazing mix of Henry and Elizabeth. Stevie had an amazing talent for keeping her calm and she always appreciated it. 

“I’m okay,” Nadine said. “Thank you.”

Stevie took a step back and Nadine looked around. The two other kids had moved away from them and were watching out the screen door. Jason looked back and when he saw her standing looking much calmer he gave her a smile. 

“I think they’re ready for us,” Jason said.

Stevie stepped away from Nadine and joined Ali at the door. They each had their bouquets in hand and walked out the screen door. Jason extended his arm to Nadine and she joined him. She could feel herself getting nervous again, but she took a deep breath and looked up at Jason who was smiling down at her.

“You ready” Jason asked.

“Let’s do this” Nadine joked.

As they walked out of the house the sun shone brightly and Nadine blinked to adjust. She could see the girls walking up the aisle between the small rows of people. Through all the people Nadine glimpsed Henry, but looked away. She didn’t want to look at him too soon or she worried she would never make it all the way there. She glanced through the guests and she and Jason walked closer. In the back row Russell and his wife Carol were standing with some of Henry’s family. She could see Daisy, Jay, and Matt all standing together and past them Blake standing with Becca and Katie. There were a few more friends and she could see her sister in the front row as they got closer. Then she finally let herself look at Henry.

He looked so handsome she almost stopped walking. She had seen him dressed up a hundred times before, but today was different. He looked so happy and comfortable and the more she looked she could see that he was teary-eyed. She could feel the tears build up in her eyes and she blinked them away the best she could. As Jason brought her to Henry’s side she reached out for him. He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer. Jason leaned forward and gave her a peck on the cheek and Stevie reached forward and took the bouquet from Nadine’s hands. She was now standing in front of the love of her life about to promise to stay with him forever and she couldn’t believe it.

“You look beautiful,” Henry whispered.

“You look pretty good yourself” Nadine whispered back.

The officiant began the ceremony and Nadine just watched Henry. She loved him so wholly and completely that she couldn’t believe how lucky she was to be able to marry him. Part of her felt the sadness at Elizabeth not being there, but she tried to focus on the happy. This was what Elizabeth had wanted for them. Of course Elizabeth had thought she would be there, but Nadine believed that Elizabeth would still want her and Henry to be happy. She really was happy. For the first time since Elizabeth died Nadine was completely happy again. It felt different then happy used to feel, but she definitely felt happy. Her attention went back to the officiant when it was time to say their vows.

Henry had agreed to let Nadine go first because she was worried she would cry too much if Henry went first. She took a deep breath and smiled up at Henry.

“Henry” Nadine began. “You have been everything to me this last year. You have saved me from myself and helped me to see how beautiful life can be. You are always by my side and there when I need you. You’ve been all of this since I met you. Since the day Elizabeth brought me home I’ve known that you had my heart. I love you and I promise to love you for the rest of my days.”

Nadine took a shuddering breath and smirked at Henry as he wiped tears from his cheeks. She reached up and with her thumb gently brushed tears from one of his cheeks. He kissed the palm of her hand and she brought her hand back down to join his again. Henry cleared his throat and smiled at her.

“Nadine” Henry began. “When Elizabeth brought you home the first time I couldn’t help but watch your every move. You took my breath away from the very beginning and it didn’t take very long for me to realize that you had taken a piece of my heart. When Elizabeth told me that she thought she was falling in love with you I told her I thought I already had. When we lost Elizabeth I thought I was going to lose you too and it scared me. Through the last year I have fallen more and more in love with you. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I promise I will be there for you for the rest of my life. I love you and I will love you forever.”

Nadine was crying. It wasn’t just a few tears, she was really crying. Henry slipped his hands up her arms until he was holding her shoulders and he turned her so that she was faced slightly away from the guests. Stevie stepped forward from behind Nadine and got close to Nadine’s side. She pressed a handkerchief gently to Nadine’s face and whispered in her ear.

“It’s okay Ima” Stevie whispered. “Just take a minute.”

Nadine took a deep breath and let Stevie blot away the tears for her. Henry kept his hands firmly on her arms and leaned down into her other ear.

“It’s okay baby” Henry whispered.

With a few more deep breaths Nadine raised her head again and let Henry turn her back so that the guests could see her side. His hands slipped back down into hers and she gave him a small smile.

They exchanged rings and shared their first kiss as a married couple. It felt like a whirlwind after the vows. As she and Henry walked hand in hand back down the aisle she was smiling brightly. She let Henry guide her away from the ceremony and back into the house. Everyone else would stay outside and the kids would guide them over to where the small lunch and dancing would take place. As soon as they were inside Henry wrapped his arms around Nadine and she clung to him. 

“I love you Henry” Nadine whispered.

“I love you too,” Henry replied.

“I can’t believe we’re married,” Nadine said.

“How does it feel to be Mrs. McCord” Henry asked.

“It feels strange,” Nadine responded quietly. “Elizabeth was always Mrs. McCord and now I am. It feels strange.”

“It’s okay,” Henry comforted. “You’re both Mrs. McCord. I’ll always love you both.”

“I feel her here with us today,” Nadine explained. “I feel her holding my hand and keeping me calm. I wish she could have actually been here. She would have loved it.”

“She would have thought you looked beautiful,” Henry replied.

“She would have thought you looked handsome,” Nadine replied.

“Are you ready to go join the crowd” Henry asked.

“Just one more minute” Nadine replied, pulling away just enough to kiss Henry on the lips.

“I love you Mrs. McCord” Henry whispered against her lips.

“I love you Mr. McCord” Nadine whispered back.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought everyone deserved a happy ending for putting up with my angst.

One Thousand Eight Hundred and Twenty-Six Days

Five years without Elizabeth by their sides. Five years of laughing and crying. Five years of memories. Five years of ups and downs and everything in between.

Four grandchildren. Four bundles of energy and laughter. Four adorable parts of their hearts. Four beautiful pieces of Elizabeth.

Three weddings. Three days full of love and beauty. Three couples committed to forever. Three relationships to honor and celebrate.

Two people living for today. Two people loving each other freely and openly. Two people doing everything to support each other. Two people together despite their loss.

One family. One group of people forever bound together. One day at a time, but always together. One memory of a woman who brought them all together.

Nadine was lying down with her head on Henry’s legs. Henry was leaned against a tree and they were both protected from the ground by a comfortable quilt. On Nadine’s chest was Ali and Katie’s daughter Hope. She was six months old and quite content to sleep on Nadine’s chest and Nadine was quite content to have her there. She looked across the small area around Elizabeth’s grave and smiled at her family spread out. Blake and Jason were playing some version of tag with Blake and Stevie’s three year old twins, Joseph and Jeremy. Stevie, Ali, Katie, and Becca were all sitting on another quilt a little ways away talking and laughing about something. Poppy, Jason and Katie’s daughter, who wasn’t quite two, was sat next to Elizabeth’s tombstone quietly babbling to it. 

Nadine watched Poppy who seemed to be having her own conversation with Elizabeth’s grave. Poppy was the most like Elizabeth in appearance of all four of the grandkids. She was also quite like Elizabeth in temperament and Nadine knew that her teenage years were going to put Jason and Katie through the ringer. Poppy looked over at Nadine and Henry and her face broke out in a huge smile. Nadine loved that smile, it always filled her with such contentment. Poppy stood up and ran over to Nadine and flopped down on the quilt just before hitting her.

“Safta” Poppy greeted excitedly.

“Shh” Nadine shushed. “Quiet voice.”

“Safta” Poppy said quieter. “I talk with Gamma.”

“I saw you,” Nadine replied.

“You talk to Gamma” Poppy questioned.

“Sometimes yes I talk to Gamma” Nadine replied. 

“Safta I tired” Poppy said.

“Come here” Nadine said, opening the arm that wasn’t holding Hope.

Poppy snuggled into Nadine’s side and Nadine moved a bit to settle herself comfortably with both girls. Henry pushed his discarded sweater under her shoulders to alleviate some of the pressure off of her neck and she smiled up at him. Poppy was asleep in less than two minutes and Nadine soaked up the warmth and love her two granddaughters provided her.

“Are you comfortable” Henry asked quietly.

“Yeah I’m okay” Nadine replied.

“Are you having a good day” Henry asked.

“I am,” Nadine replied. “I think every year it gets easier and I start to appreciate the day more as a celebration. How are you?”

“I’m happy to be with my family,” Henry replied. “I feel her more here. I like being able to think that the grandkids get to know her when we visit here.”

“It’s good for them,” Nadine replied. “They love her.”

“She would have loved them” Henry said.

“Yes she would have” Nadine replied.

Nadine felt herself getting drowsy and she let her eyes close for just a second. When she opened them again it had obviously been a while because now she had the warmth of two more bodies pressed against her. Joseph was tucked into her side under where she was holding Hope and Jeremy had his head resting on her thigh much like she was resting on Henry. She looked up at Henry and saw his eyes were closed too and she smiled. She looked over at her kids to see them all sitting together talking and laughing. She loved how close they all were. It was everything she had always wanted a family to be. Elizabeth made this family possible. They all embodied Elizabeth’s dream of what a family could be and what loving each other would look like. Ali got up from the group and came over and knelt next to Nadine. 

“Ima do you want me to take any of them” Ali asked.

“No, they're all fine,” Nadine replied. 

“Stevie took a picture of you all,” Ali explained. “It’s really cute. I think we’re going to get it framed.”

“I don’t often get them all to settle down like this with me” Nadine replied. “It feels good.”

“I always used to love taking naps curled up next to you,” Ali said. “I guess we have to share you now.”

“I can always use more cuddle buddies” Nadine quipped.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to move them so you can get up” Ali asked.

“Maybe in a little bit,” Nadine replied. “For now I just want to enjoy it.”

Ali leaned over and kissed Nadine’s cheek before standing and returning to the group. She made a comment and they all looked over at her and smiled. Nadine smiled back and felt tears well up in her eyes. This was her whole life. She was so happy to have all of them and the love she felt was overwhelming. She didn’t know what she had done to get this lucky, but she was endlessly grateful for her small family. Elizabeth gave her the most amazing gift and she wished everyday that Elizabeth was here to share it with her, but she swore to appreciate it for both of them. Five years without Elizabeth, but so much of Elizabeth was still there with them. She looked at each of her kids and their spouses and then at her grandkids and lastly at Henry. She truly was the luckiest woman in the world.


End file.
